Clearing Deep Resentments
I received a compassion session from my Compassion Key partner, in which I uncovered deep resentments toward my father that I had never cleared, in all these years of healing work.
It was not a fun session for me.
I didn’t want to face the truth that I could never be fully healed
until I resolved this issue of resentment and unwillingness to forgive.
The issues are generations old, passed down from one to another.
I didn’t realize the greater fault was mine, in refusing to release the resentments.
I had been guarding my feelings for so long, that I externalized the blame.
I didn’t wake up to the understanding that the power of healing was within me all along….
As a small child I loved and revered my father,
even though he prized his boys and disregarded his girls.
As a teen, I became disillusioned, rebellious, frustrated and quite bitter toward him.
As a young adult, in an effort toward emotional self preservation,
I distanced myself from his authoritative, scarcity mindedness
and his “my way or the highway” attitudes.
It became easy to blame my problems on his less-than-perfect parenting.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
He couldn’t say kind or encouraging words to me.
Our energy styles are polar opposites.
He could only understand the world and other people through his own filters…
and the same could be said of me.
Though I was born of him, his inner world was totally different than mine.
Mid life I recognized my father was simply human,
and it was unrealistic to expect him to meet my old idealistic perception of perfection.
As he aged I realized I could never change him.
But more than ever, I found it difficult to be around him.
I felt that his heavy abrasiveness overpowered the natural light of my soul.
Regardless of how I tried to share what was in my heart,
he seemed unwilling or unable to understand.
I continued to hold my self-protective grudges,
unwittingly stuck in my emotional past,
just as he was stuck in his.
I kept trying through the years to show my love.
Truth be, I suppose I was also seeking his approval.
When their health failed and they wanted to stay in their home,
I remodeled it and installed a kitchen at my own expense so they could have one-level living.When it was no longer safe for them to stay home alone together,
and having people in to help was too stressful,
I drove Dad around town looking for options.
He didn’t want to get into my car, because it was a Cadillac.
He said “Someone would see him in that car and come steal all his money.”No matter that I had proven myself financially enough to be able to help them,
he could not, and would not, accept my offerings.
All I wanted was genuine acknowledgement of shared love.
But it was not forthcoming.
I gave up and began “dodging the bullet” of pain.
I stopped trying to get him to love me.
Because he was my father, and for the sake of my mother,
for all those years, I tolerated him.
I accepted that he had his own coping mechanisms,
and was incapable of expressing love to me in a way I could understand.
He viewed emotions as weakness,
insisting that I use my head and not my heart,
to ensure survival and success in this world.
That counsel caused me great confusion,
because I knew I was all heart.
Thus, I was incapable of meeting his expectations.
He was the authority in my childhood world.
I developed an adverse attitude toward authority in my adult world.
The stress of these inner conflicts and misperceptions contributed to my health meltdown, eventually leading me to a journey of holistic healing.
I attempted to share these new perceptions with my parents.
But because this new learning dealt with emotions,
and emotions were to be feared and disregarded as unimportant,
even though my teachers had worldly authority as doctors,
my new perspectives were promptly and summarily dismissed.
“Poppycock!” was the word.
A few weeks after my father passed in 2012, his spirit spoke to me.
“I’m beginning to understand now. I want to know more,” he said.
But I was bone-deep angry.
“You waited too long,” I said, dismissing him. “You’ll have to wait until I’m ready.”
I continued on my path of learning healing modalities.
For the next six months, I’d get random sharp pains in my right shoulder. Muscle testing and emotional healing work revealed that this was my father, commanding my attention toward something he wanted cleared, either for himself or for his ancestors, often for his mother. I would do the energy healing work and my shoulder pain would dissipate.
Eventually, the shoulder pains ceased altogether, and the patterns of empathic pain shifted to different areas. Prompted by physical pain, I cleared hundreds of thousands of ancestral emotions using various healing modalities in the next few years. As I expanded my understanding, I became quite skilled in this ancestral healing work and in getting the energies to move.
Still, my health and wealth issues continued. I remained weaker and heavier than expected. Often off balance. And I experienced random sharp pain in different parts of my body.
Blessedly, the pain could always be cleared through energy work. Blessedly, our finances improved somewhat. Most importantly, I chose to focus on being more aligned with the Spirit, and found great comfort and peace through meditation and prayer..
Mother came to live with us last year, at age 94. She would often wonder out loud why she was still here in this world, and I would tell her she was “here for the love of it.”
Sometimes she would wish she could die, but say she didn’t know how.
I would tell her I didn’t know how either, but if she figured it out, to go ahead and go to the other side… that when she did manage it, I would miss her terribly, but I would understand.
Once I told her that maybe dying is not something that you actively do, but perhaps it is something you allow. Maybe it is more of a simple “letting go”.
My body picked up on Mother’s energies, usually in the form of knee pain or chronic left hip pain.
I could get these to simply go away by doing the energy work. Curious, Mother read my energy medicine books and requested for me to do healing sessions with her and for her.
I explained that this energy I work with intersects the body and the spirit.Move the energy – get it unstuck – and the body’s natural healing processes can balance out.
The body is programmed for healing and our souls are programmed for wholeness.
Energy Medicine work is simply the practice of gently shifting the energies so the body, mind and spirit become free to do what they are meant to do… to support our soul’s highest expression here in form.Healing together became our constant practice… day and night.
Mother would tell me hurts and sorrows she held from years long past.
I would apply my energy healing modalities to the issues, and release them from her, from me, from all who experienced or were affected by them, and all who inherited them. Mother would tell visitors that I kept her out of the doctor’s office, because her aches and pains would go away when I did the energy work.
Mother passed away a few weeks ago.
She got her wish of simply going to sleep at home, in her own bed, surrounded by family, and just waking up on the other side.
I do miss her terribly, though I do understand she wanted to go.
Her spirit is free now.
She is with those she loves, those who went before.I miss our open, frank conversations.
I miss our expressions of loving kindness and consideration.
i miss her wit and humor.
i miss being able to show her my love through small daily, thoughtful actions.
I miss seeing her express the beauty of her soul through her beautiful cross stitch needlework.
I miss her presence in our home.Healing modalities and self-directed compassion are essential comfort measures for me. As the waves of grief subside, I notice that my chronic aches and pains are also subsiding.
But there remain some issues that are not yet fully resolved in my physical reality.
I notice that I miss my Mother in ways I never missed my Father.
For far too long, I have been busy resenting him for all my childhood hurts and misperceptions…
Too conveniently blaming him for my difficulties with relationships,
for my struggles in not knowing how to feel whole and connected and on purpose in the world.
Some of that was true during my childhood.
But as an adult, it is my responsibility to face my own truths and move beyond the past.
My problem was, until I learned energy healing work, I didn’t know how to move on.
I continue to participate in Compassion Key trainings, giving and receiving sessions.
I thought I had my emotions all handled…
I thought I had cleared all those old childhood issues by just putting them behind me…
until last week’s Circle Compassion session with my partner, Janet Charette.
As the session commenced, we began with a recap of our previous session which had been for her. Then she said it was my turn.
And thus began a conversation.
STUFF from childhood came up. It angered me.
“I thought I had cleared up all this stuff long ago,” I wailed.
“Why does it keep coming up and slamming me in the face, again and again?
When will this ever end!?
Do I have to die to let it all go?!”
Clearly, my resentment had surfaced.
The conversation triggered my old hurts.
That’s a signal that there is something that is ready to be cleared.“Ah”, said Janet. “Your father is who you need to put into the Circle of Light.”
I didn’t want to face it.
I didn’t want to face him.
I felt the effort would be futile.
I didn’t want to forgive.
I wanted to hold onto my resentments.
I didn’t want to bring up old hurts.
Because no matter what I ever accomplished,
he would never change toward me.
He could never appreciate me for who I really am.
I am a girl, and I am all heart, and his heart is closed to me.
I could never meet his expectations when he was alive,
so I knew I could not meet them now that he is dead.
I could never be a boy. He had five boys already.
Why could he not be happy to have girls, too?
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being not enough.
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being expected to clean up after him and the boys.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of being disregarded
and even disrespected and used as a workhorse because I was a girl.
I didn’t want to dredge up those old feelings of being unimportant.
I didn’t want to again go through the pain of being dismissed by him.
Fearing that his negative energies would bully and oppress
my natural lightness as it had in the past,
I resisted putting him in a circle of light.
It was far easier to dismiss him than take the risk and invite him in.
I knew I couldn’t change him. And I couldn’t change me.
For decades, running away had been my only salvation.
But Janet lovingly insisted.
“Will you allow me to help direct you to give yourself some self-compassion?”
And she held the space energetically for me so I felt safe.
So I imagined creating a circle of divine, golden light.
Envisioning him in that circle kept me safe from him, and him safe from me.
Then Janet dug deep with the compassion phrases, saying that as long as I keep him on the hook, there is lots of stuff I don’t have to face yet.
Oh my! My mind indexed on her comment as we progressed with the session.
Could this hook of old resentment be the truth I was side-stepping in all these years of holistic healing work? Could clearing these old resentments be the key to opening the door I’d been knocking on for so long? The key to stepping into a new way of being? A key to authentic wholeness? Is THIS why I still have nagging health and wealth issues?
Every so often, she told me to check into the circle and look at my father,
to see what he was doing.
I would prefer not to look, but I glanced over at the circle of light.
He was just standing there, alone.
I could see his confusion.
He didn’t know what he was doing in the circle.
There was nothing in the circle but him, alone.
Nothing to do.
No weeds to pull.
Nothing to be acted upon.
Nothing to be controlled or manipulated.
No act of service to perform.
Looking around wondering what to do.
“So sorry if you stop hating your dad, you’ll be at loose ends.
So sorry you won’t know what to do with yourself.”
Janet continued with the phrases, mirroring my thoughts with words.
Yes, I was triggered in the process.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, my face crinkled up as tears rolled down my face.
Yes, I blew my nose.
Janet continued to hold the space for me.
We checked into the circle again.
My father was flying a kite, totally unaware of my fears.
More digging deep.
More releasing of old hurts.
“I just want this all to be done!”
“It will be done when you choose that it is done.
When you have released all the resentments,
and your soul is clear, then it is done.
The timing is all up to you.”
We checked into the circle again.
Empty. He was gone.
Gone to fly a kite with his brother.
And that was it.
I didn’t die by encircling him in Divine Light.
I acknowledged my fears and resentments,
releasing them through the power of compassion,
Then I had another thought, which brought up another fear.
I have spent decades motivated by these fears
of not measuring up, of not being enough,
of not being worthy of mention or attention… or of love…
of having to prove that girls are just as valuable as boys…
And now that scarcity motivation is gone,
now that I have cleared these resentments, who am I?
What am I? What can I do? How do I be me?
“So sorry you don’t know who you are.”
“So sorry you don’t know how to be the new you.”
In compassion for my plight, Janet put on her Theta Healing hat
and connected with Divine Source on my behalf.
With my permission, she asked that the old contract be marked complete
on the genetic, core and soul levels, releasing of the obligation to re-pattern the lesson,
to release everyone in the world from showing up to re-teach me that lesson…
Forgiveness was expressed.
Permissions for fun and joy and love were given…
She requested and witnessed The Great Creator of All Things
lifting from me the fear and the pain,
and giving me the Creator’s perspective of how
to be in joy and choose from love,
and to know my purpose again…
Teaching me that when I am being on purpose I feel light.
Teaching me that if something feels heavy, to not choose it.
Choose to let go of all I am not.
If it is not light it is a lie.
To feel the joy in my human body…
If I have something in my heart… to let it out.
To become a conscious co-creator…
To follow my heart and express what is in it…
Whatever is the fullest expression of my soul’s light…
Whatever gives me joy and expresses my joy…
To be in my own creation, not attempting to fit myself into someone else’s expectation…
To not attempt to fill my perception of someone else’s expectation…
To not be “hell bent” on proving them right…
When I am doing the best I can in my sweet zone…
When I am doing what brings my heart joy…
That is when I am on purpose…
Happiness is wanting what I get.
Success is not what I expected.
I am allowed to be surprised by life and love and joy.
How much joy can I stand?
How much happiness can I handle?
How much money can I receive?
How many lives can I change?
Ask for that feeling. How it shows up is God’s business.
Then you will want to HAVE a life.
The more you live in the feeling you want,
The more you ramp up how much you can receive.
We always get what we want.
We don’t always know why we want it.
Often we create either too much of what we don’t want,
Or not enough of what we do want.
But now, having released all the old fears and resentments,
I can now have what I want.
I can now create what I want.
I don’t have to die to achieve it.
I can be loved, even cherished.
I can care without criticism.
I can love others unconditionally.
I can express myself without fear.
I can love without judgment.
I can live an inspired life.
I can feel aligned with The Great Creator.
I can have what I want in a healthy body.
I can contribute in meaningful ways.
I can go where I want to go.
I can live how I want to live.
Not the session I expected.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, It is done, It is done.
Wholeness…. the goal is authentic wholeness.
This morning I realized I had been focusing my healing statements around getting rid of what I don’t want… identifying negative trapped emotions, and using the healing processes to let them go.
I have lived so many years in various patterns of struggle that I needed a multi-faceted healing process.
I have used The Emotion Code, The Body Code, Energy Medicine, Craniosacral Therapy, Quantum Touch, Theta Healing and my own SoulTalk to release many millions of trapped ancestral emotions, traumas, offensive energies and the resonances of diseases.
All this has helped me and my family (and some clients) exponentially.
The goal is to release these old energies and be able to be free – to feel myself whole in body, mind and soul.
Results show in my increased ability to handle every day life without being emotionally triggered…
by responding rather than reacting.
I am much happier and healthier, it is true,
but I reached an impasse’….characterized by a feeling of numbness…
blandness… nothingness… almost emptiness.
Who am I now, that all the stress and crisis is gone?
How do I proceed in my life, when the old motivations of fear and scarcity no longer fuel my choices and my actions?
Wholeness, to me, includes feeling on purpose – KNOWING that I am in the right place, at the right time of my life, doing the right things….
Wholeness includes knowing how and where I am meant to contribute to my family…
my community… my world.
Authentic Wholeness, to me, includes being in purpose and on purpose.
Thankfully, as I seek to align with the Divine Creator in all Truth, I am led in my search for growth.
At this time, I am experiencing the Compassion Key Soul Created Wealth program,
mentored by Edward Mannix, accompanied by many soul friends on a similar path.
At different places in our respective journeys, pure compassion brings us together.
I heard Edward’s message differently on this last Soul Created Wealth and Planetary Healing call.
The Compassion Key training is uniquely different from the other healing modalities I have studied.
He said to decide what I want, format it into an “I deserve” phrase, intuitively test the truth of my phrase,
and give myself compassion for not yet having what I want.
Then spend 20 minutes every day on self directed compassion regarding this, and see where it takes me.
Today, I applied the approach of giving myself compassion for what I want, but do not now have.
What do I want, when my purpose is not clear?
What do I want?
I want to be whole.
I want to feel free.
I want my body to be healed and functional,
so I no longer have to look for the handicap parking spaces
and plan how to get from my car to the store where I can hold onto a cart.
Jesus said to a cripple, “Take up thy bed and walk.” And the man walked. I do not doubt this.
Miracles do happen. Some manifest quickly, others take time.
My health and strength are improved from just 6 months ago…
Yet I still struggle.
I would like to let go of the struggle and function on purpose in joy and ease.
I’m sure the scarcity mindset has limited my health, wealth and relationships in many ways.
“So sorry you are still in struggle.
So sorry for the years of scarcity.
So sorry you inherited so much energetic trauma.
So sorry they taught you that you must struggle all your life.
So sorry they said life was not worth living unless you lived hard.
So sorry the world beat you up.
So sorry the world proved them right.
So sorry you lost it all….
So sorry you were not tough enough.
So sorry the negativity affected your physical health.
So sorry you were stuck for so long.”
I deserve better. I deserve to be slim, energetic, strong and powerful.
“I’m so sorry you are not yet slim, energetic, strong and powerful.
When was I ever slim, energetic, strong and powerful?
In meditation, I got a visual of myself at age 8, running with joyful abandon
around the play yard at our family home….
running and playing with friends, sure footed, so confident in my body…
so confident in having a great time using our imaginations in play…
and I began to feel it…
I remembered what it felt like to being whole and free in my body.
Another visual opened up – this time on the playground at school, in imaginative play,
our group of girls were wild horses running free, and the boys were cowboys
come to bring us to the corral by the twirly bars.
Running, running, running…
Chasing and being chased…
love the running, running, running….
They “caught” the others, who were now happily twirling on the twirly bars…
Not me… I was still free…
Running, running, running….
Powerful energy surged within me and I was uncatchable…
“Hey recess is almost over!
We have to catch this last wild horse and go back in!”…
So I allowed myself to be caught….
but not easily…
they grabbed my arms,
and still I bucked and pulled,
challenging the cowboys’ abilities….
“This one is really wild!” they yelled at each other…
all of them coming to help catch the last wild horse…
Suddenly the school bell rang and the game was over…
We all ran to line up at the school door….
Huffing and puffing,
Exhilarated by the exercise…
Filing in for a drink of water and then to our classroom desks…
Settling down to my schoolwork,
completely whole and on purpose with who I was in the current moment.
They say that in Quantum Physics, reality is malleable, that what we choose now can change the past.
They say in Theta Healing that unless a person can know what it feels like
to do or be something, they cannot create it in physical reality.
Today, I remembered what it felt like to be whole and free.
I choose now to bring that feeling from my past to my present…
Slim, energetic, strong, powerful and whole,
Body, mind and spirit.
I am whole.
I am me.
I am free.