Closet Clutter Clearing Therapy

Closet Clutter Clearing Therapy

Closet Clutter Clearing Therapy…

“We’re in contract.”

One sentence that culminates a whirlwind search for where to live when my husband retires.
It began with a one day trip to the beach at Ocean Shores,
where my husband indulged my need to stare at the ocean with my feet in the sand for 5 long blessed hours….
Something I’ve been craving since Mother passed.
And then a short drive around the peninsula…
A discovery of a new fun beach development…
Sandy lots available at just $15,000 each…
and a flicker of hope in my subconscious mind..
That maybe, just maybe, despite the 2008 crash and subsequent losses…
Maybe, just maybe, we could have our own little place again…
And maybe it would be a bungalow at the beach…

Or not…

A few conversations with realtors and mortgage brokers,
and we were amazed to be “invited” back into the world of the living…
Where people who are considered trustworthy are offered mortgages to buy houses…
We are invited to get back into debt.
Imaginations ran wild.
Lighthouses.
Boat storage business.
Merry go round.
Kite store.
Short term rentals.
Oh, the possibilities!
Eventually coming back to earth,
We realized that retirees who build dream houses in tiny beach towns eventually leave…
for health reasons…
or for better amenities…
and houses where there is no real job market don’t appreciate…

And if we were really going to get back into home ownership, where would we REALLY want to live?

Eenie meenie mienie mo…
Where on earth do we want to go…
We wrote our wish list and started studying housing markets…
“We’re in contract”.
The decision is done.
But the work has only just begun.
Clutter clearing, here we come!
I watched a sappy sweet Christmas movie,
turned on a sentimental Christmas music playlist,
and headed for my closet.
Yep… the closet I couldn’t really clean when I went through
Clutter Clearing Class the first time a couple years ago.

This time, with the promise of a beautiful new home as motivation, I began.

Touching each piece of clothing, I muscle tested yes or no.
Yes to keep and no to let go…
The yes’s stayed on their hangers…
The no’s made it to the closet floor.
Some were obviously past their prime…
Hidden deep in the closet I’d ignored them for 3 years…
But some surprised me…
They were things I still wear…
Things I like, even…
And some brand spankin’ new…
But never worn….
Why were they never worn?
Because I had changed.
I became a new me –
And this is a new day.
Ready or not…
The music jangled on…
But my tears began to flow…
Do I really have to let go?
Yes What am I letting go of?
Why am I crying?
What is this fear?

It’s not the clothes.
I am letting go of the me that I was when I wore these items every day…
When I was young and slender and lithe and quick and vibrant….

I am letting go of the pain I felt when I was so sick
and my children cleaned out my closet of many favorites,
thinking I would never get well again…
they thought they were doing me a favor…
and maybe they were,
but it didn’t feel that way then.

“Let go of the old, you you can make room for the new.”
That’s what they say, but when you’re not ready,
it feels more like pain and grief and loss.

What if letting go of the old releases the loss?
What if letting go of the old empowers you to live fully in the present moment?
I feel the energy lift.
I lived 20 when I was 20.
40 when I was 40.
And now as I am now…

Wiping the tears away, I continue…
This time, on purpose…
the letting go is totally on my own terms.

“We are under contract”…
Which means we made a conscious choice for where to live
for the next however many years we’ll be embodied on this planet as Kevin and Jo Lyn…
It’s been a journey of faith,
of conscious choices,
and careful budgeting.
Good stewards.
Good stewards of the resources we know we will have for the long term…
And if you’re health is such that your world shrinks to the size of a box…
I say, let that box be beautiful!
Take only what you really want.
Bring with you only what serves you in the now.
Accept and be the you that you are today…
Jeanie Brosius King and Marie Kondo would be proud of me.
I am proud of me.
I manage to pick up the pile of clothes from the floor an armful at a time.
My balance a bit wobbly – I am grateful for the door moldings that my fingers hang on to,
Supporting me as I shuffle from here to there.
My thoughts flicker to my friend who can no longer walk at all…
I muscle test each item on the bed.
Separating them into piles,
one to keep,
one for my daughter,
and one to let go…
The keep pile is small,
And as the other two grow,
I find my words changing from “let go” to “give”.
And along with the words, feelings of gratitude flow…
Give.
Give.
Give.

And Live.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
It has only just begun.

I Have Value as a Human Being

I Have Value as a Human Being

We’ve been contemplating our post-retirement move – which quickly became an adventure in house hunting. Not being as physically strong and capable as in years past, one of the thoughts that kept coming up for me was: “Who am I to have a house of my own?”, and “I have no value as a human being, what makes me think it is okay to have a house?”

Self-deprecating thoughts are, of course, self-defeating. Negative thoughts bring up deeply held emotions of shame, self-loathing, guilt for taking up space in the world, hopelessness, and an explicable self-limiting belief that something is intrinsically wrong with me.

Why do some people grow up with an innate sense of well-being, and others grow up emotionally insecure? 

The answer to that is finally coming to light for me. Studying the latest research by leading scientists and therapists in trauma healing, I have a name for an underlying reason for my struggles with low self-esteem, and my continual need to study all things “holistic healing”.  That name is “Developmental Trauma Disorder” – a term coined by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and his peers, as explained in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”. Understanding that in our earliest years, we create a perceptual map of what the world is like (safe vs unsafe), and that these deep subconscious beliefs drive our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and even abilities as we go through life… is enlightening.

For years, I’ve sensed that not everything is the way I perceive it to be. For decades, I held onto specific hurtful and confusing events from childhood as “evidence” that there was something wrong with me. Now I know that how my psyche shaped those internal perceptions was simply a result of my early childhood experiences. There’s nothing “wrong” with me as a human being. I’m not an unwanted piece of trash. For me, my developmental trauma was mostly based on my impression, at birth, that they were disappointed in me because I was a girl instead of a boy. They had no idea how that affected my sense of self worth… but here I am decades later – telling you about it – so it was not something I could “just get over”. Being a helpless, impressionable infant, my immature neurological system believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me… and I was therefore at risk of not being safe in the world. I couldn’t simply “become a boy”… so I worked really hard to fit in and be significant in my family… thus ensuring my survival… but always felt an underlying sense of “not being enough”. And until my recent studies, I didn’t have the words to explain it.

So why am I sharing this “deep, dark inner secret” about my own mixed up psyche? 
Why would I tell anyone about feeling worthless and undeserving as a human being?
Because last night, in meditation, I was able to clear (release and resolve) that old perceptual belief.
And that frees me to heal… to see myself as healthy… a fully embodied soul… capable, resilient, and whole.
And if I can do it… then maybe this will help someone else who suffers from DTD…

In my bed, I struggle to sleep. Failing that, I begin meditation. Knowing about Developmental Trauma Disorder gives me a greater understanding of the source of my decades of low self-esteem, I began working through my meditative question and answer process:
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…
Is this lack of value a divine truth? No…
Is this lack of value a belief? Yes…
Is this an ancestral belief? No… 
Is this a collective belief? No… 
Is this my own belief? Yes…
Is this a conscious belief? No… 
Is this a subconscious belief? Yes… 
I have value as a human being. No…”
Pausing, I feel the self-defeating belief deeply in my belly… visualizing the branches of my unmyelinated dorsal vagus nerve enmeshed throughout my visceral organs. The vagus nerve is directly connected to the limbic, reptilian part of my brain – the fight/flight/freeze command center – which was all I had to work with as an infant.
Tears flow from my eyes, running silently down the sides of my face, wetting my ears and my pillow. I couldn’t have known then, that just because they wanted a boy, did not mean that there was something wrong with me.
“I forgive myself for not knowing.
I forgive myself for being a baby when I was a baby.
I forgive them and myself for being human.
Can I clear this subconscious belief? Yes…
Do I know how to do it? Yes… “
Hands on my heart, I being tapping gently, intentionally…
“Clearing lack of value as a human being.
Releasing lack of value as a human being.
Resolving this developmental traumatic perception of lack of value as a human being.”
Tapping, clearing, releasing, resolving….
Sighing deeply, I feel the tendons and ligaments in my hip relax to a new level.
The decades old, unfinished fight/flight energy associated with feeling unsafe is allowed to process.
My hips and legs begin slight movements, which I recognize as completion movements related to flight…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…”
Smiling, I continue…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes… 
I have value as a human being. Yes…
I create and share value with the world. Yes…
I am supported as I create and share value with others. Yes… 
I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes… 
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.”

Now… I can go house hunting and feel great about it!

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