Review of my website dashboard revealed this post from a couple years ago… I wrote it, but held too much fear and pain in my heart to publish it at that time. I’ve grown since then… but it still may have value to those working through similar processes. Sending love and blessings for your journey…
Scarcity and Abundance – Patterns of Perception and Response
Growing up in a family with a predominate viewpoint of scarcity was certainly a challenge – but also a blessing. My family taught me how to work – how to be industrious and creative in solving problems of daily life. But looking over my mother’s shoulder as she struggled to pay the monthly bills also taught me that money was something always in short supply. I determined early on that if I wanted to have anything in this world, I would need to work for it – and I did so with great strength, courage and enthusiasm. I held the certainty and hope that hard work would bring me things I wanted to have and a certain amount of worldly riches, or at least enough resources for basic support and comfort.
Growing up in a family with a religious heritage was also a challenge – and a blessing. I seemed to come into this world with my own strong sense of the worth of souls and the value of service to others. The religious training I received from being raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has supported my deep sense of spirituality and added depth and richness to all of my life experiences.
But there were also inner conflicts aplenty, which seem to have originated from habitual family patterns of reacting to life challenges from a perspective of fear and scarcity rather than responding from a space of love and abundance.
Therein lies my quest – to honor and appreciate the goodness of my family heritage and to release and let go of old patterns and perceptions that have kept me stuck for years in scarcity and pain.
I cannot tell the whole story of my journey to a life of generosity and abundance in one blog post. But I can share one small episode as an example.
Recently, I became aware that someone I cared about was resentful of us. It appeared that he had the impression that we were “rolling in the dough”, but wouldn’t help him in his financial trials. He had no clue that we were going through the same economic storm as everyone else we knew – and not faring very well.
When I learned of his opinion, I was triggered. My anger flared dramatically. I was immediately offended that he set himself up to judge us as unworthy of affluence. He had no true knowledge of our efforts to grow and expand beyond who we were and try to become “successful”, only to see it all wiped away during the economic downturn, and have to start all over again.
My husband saw how the conversation triggered me. He touched my arm lovingly, and whispered in my ear that the conversation was not meant to hurt either of us, but just to be an opening for improved communication. I grew silent and kept the rest of my thoughts to myself as I realized that the real problem was my emotional flare – something in me was definitely triggered by this conversation.
My thought process:
What is the real reason for this person’s resentment?
Have I actually caused him any harm? No.
It appears that our offense was to work hard to try to overcome scarcity mentality.
We were successful for a while, then seemingly, not.
All our hard work did not “pay off” and bring us “riches” as we had been taught as children that it would…
At least, not for the the long term.
But even then, why would this person be angry if we did achieve “success”?
Isn’t that what we all were encouraged to work toward?
And even deeper than that, why did his opinion even matter?
Why was I triggered emotionally?
Trying to make sense of what was going on inside my own psyche, I turned to The Body Code app and began using my muscle testing skills to discover some deeper answers.
“Is there an underlying reason for this flare of anger?
The Body Code led me to Energies > Post Traumatic > Inflammation
Underlying the inflammation energy were twin causes, 1) an addictive heart energy and 2) an energy of parasitic pathogens.
My intuition kicked in, and I muscle tested further, verifying the thoughts and memories that flooded into my consciousness.
The inflammation and parasitic energy were intertwined, and related to the perception of never-ending scarcity.
My scarcity beliefs began with an addictive heart energy inherited from my mother before I was born. Mother evidently experienced some kind of deprivation and fear while she was carrying me, and that energy was passed on to me at my birth. This distorted belief was then proven “true” by early childhood experiences (ask me some time about “Life Savers vs Tootsie Rolls”), and later childhood experiences of never enough money and not being deserving of receiving or spending money. I also discovered a deeper and darker sub-conscious belief that my very existence was not a blessing to my parents, but instead, that I was perceived as a burden, physically and financially. I believed myself to be a financial parasite to my parents – an “unprofitable servant” so to speak. Hence, my addictive heart energy of feeling desperate for love, my willingness to do anything anyone asked of me even if it was harmful to me, and the underlying belief of being undeserving and worthless. Oh, how I groan as I see how these negative patterns have played out in my life!
Even while I have been successful in many things, these and other inner conflicts have held me back from becoming all I can be. Sigh…
Let me be clear about one thing.
My parents never consciously intended for me to be hurt, or to cause any inner conflicts. I think they wanted me to be rich and happy, and while they taught me how to work, they didn’t truly believe I could ever really achieve anything substantial because I am a girl, and therefore in their world view, incapable of success or wealth building. I think they thought that for me to ever be rich, I would have to “marry money”.
Subsequently, I grew up with a self sabotaging psyche. I worked hard. I tried to work smart. I created a certain level of financial and business success, but not knowing how to manage during the economic meltdown, self-sabotaged myself right out of the abundance I had created. It was a nightmare to actually experience that self-fulfilling prophecy of scarcity.
Is there a real way out of this quandary of inner conflicts, self-defeating behaviors, and feeling like an unwanted vagabond on the face of the earth?
Yes, of course there is.
Everything begins with energy…
The energy of spirit…
The energy of thought…
The energy of emotion…
The energy of response…
The energy of choice…
The energy of action…
The energy of manifestation….
There is much more to share…
“Come along with me, the best is yet to be.”….
Today I completed a 28 Day Gratitude Practice…
28 days of focused attention to blessings great and small…
What I appreciate most about the experience is that
my morning meditative self talk focus has shifted from
“what do I need to clear” (focused on the past) to
“what am I grateful for”… (focused on the present)…
And in the present moment,
I am laying the foundation for future moments…
of greater gratitude and joy.
I have been trying to resolve some physical health issues,
and knowing that there is an underlying mental, emotional, energetic
component to every disease and disorder,
I have developed the habit of waking up each day,
searching my mind for what I need to clear out of my psyche…
That “clearing” practice has been helpful in digging up and airing out
long forgotten unpleasant experiences, and allowing the biochemistry processing to complete…
But at some point, my habitual thought pattern became so focused on past wounds that I forgot to appreciate that I don’t live in my past anymore…
And I am much better served by being grateful,
in the present moment,
for blessings great and small…
Habits of thought are created through repetition, so, with the help of some special friends, I employed Rhonda Byrne’s “The Magic” (book 3 in the series of “The Secret”) as the structure for my 28 Day Gratitude Practice.
The first time through, I created the structure for our practice in the Facebook group, but my actual personal practice fizzled out…
Until one of my friends said “Let’s start this up again.”
This time, I am so happy to report that I completed each of the 28 Day Gratitude Practice prompts, with full purpose of heart…
and The Magic truly began to happen!
My energy lightened.
My spirits lifted.
I began looking for things to be grateful for.
I focused on noticing the joy…
And as I did, more joyful things appeared!
New clients showed up – effortless abundance!
I found the energy to deep clean my home – definite progress!
I received unexpected checks in the mail – a welcome surprise!
Today I woke up with gratitude phrases in my mind…
and found my body beginning to cooperate gently and joyfully…
“Thank you for my strong, healthy body.”
“Thank you for full range of motion.”
“Thank you for full relaxation.”
“Thank you for standing tall and walking strong.”
“Thank you for all the love in my life.”
As I write this post, a children’s song comes to mind…
from the Children’s Songbook…
one that I taught my own little ones…
a song of saying thank you… thank you… thank you…
a song of receiving divine love…
“Children All Over the World”
All over the world at the end of day, Words: Peggy Hill Ryskamp, b. 1949. © 1975 IRI
Heav’nly Father’s children kneel down and pray,
Each saying thank you in his own special way,
Saying thank you, thank you in his own special way.
“Wir danken dir.” (veer don-ken deer)
All over the world tender voices hear.
Some say “tak,” (tahk)
others “merci,” (mare-see)
“Kansha shimasu,” (kahn-shah shee-mah-sue)
We thank thee.
Our Heavenly Father hears them;
He understands each tongue.
Our Heav’nly Father knows them;
He loves them,
Music: Beth Groberg Stratton, b. 1944. © 1975 IRI
Children’s Songbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
“We don’t live in the Garden of Eden. It’s a mess down here on earth. I believe God wants us to get busy and do what we can to make the world better. God wants us to not be commanded in all things and to use our capacities to make a difference. I believe God blesses us with inspiration and capacity to make a difference, but we have to do the work first. We have to truly desire to do good and use the capacities we have. We have to be willing to stick our necks out, in any meaningful effort to create or affect something. This is faith. Your desire, your effort makes you more able to receive inspiration or insight into how a problem might be solved or to feel what direction might be best. But I don’t think it’s all predetermined and we should therefore wait for the ‘correct’ answers. I believe God is in a relationship with us and will offer things to us as we demonstrate the desire to create a better world—When we are truly seeking, as manifested through our behavior.” – Dr. Finlayson-Fife
The Write Place at the Right Time
A Notebook, a Pen and an Ant
Yesterday my soul-friend Jeanie and I had a big conversation about what she does,
and what I do, and how we can help each other in our side gigs.
But either way, we will still love each other as amazing friends.
Jeanie is a life coach, and yes, really amazing. For real.
She calls it like she sees it. No B.S.
So yesterday she took me through a meditation called TURPA.
I’ll let her tell you about it sometime, if she wants to.
Anyway, the meditation helped me imaginatively put my past in the past, put roots beneath my feet, placed sentinel angels to support me on both sides, and now new growth is forming in front of me.
It was amazing.
But then, Jeanie is like that.
This morning on FB Messenger Jeanie sent me a link to a song. She was dancing around her kitchen singing and wanted to share.
“My Soul is Welcome Here”… https://youtu.be/l0lvm9MtblE
Me: “Somehow you knew I needed this.”
Jeanie: “Isn’t that great?”
I turned it up and listened over and over again while I cleared out old emails. It made me feel peppy.
For a while. Until it eventually it didn’t. Suddenly it was all too loud.
I turned off the music and hopped back over to Messenger.
Jeanie was still there.
About my schedule for the next weeks. Stuff I promised to do, but blah blah blah.
There can be such a thing as too much focus on healing stuff.
I just want to get on with living life again, being creative and feeling free.”
“Ah yes, Grasshopper,” says Jeanie.
“Think about what you just said. I agree that we can get so wrapped up in all these healing modalities that we forget to live our own lives. Go back and read what you just said about get on with living life again, being creative and feeling free. And ask yourself, ‘If not now, when?”
Me: “Now. But WHAT? One trainer says to choose an expression – like if you want to create something, think first about what you want other to feel when they see your creation.”
Jeanie: “I disagree. That is creating with an eye to the audience. Not authentic. We are not in charge of what other people feel when they see what we have done. I sincerely think that is a cop out. The only thing that is important is how we feel.”
Me: “But if we only focus on what WE feel – then are our efforts wasted because we do not touch other’s hearts? Life is to be shared.”
Jeanie: “We are not in charge if somebody else feels touched. When we are in touch with our own feelings, then and only then do we have something to share.”
Me: “What if the feeling is… confusion… frozen… deer in the headlights? That is not free and joyful.”
Jeanie: “There is a guy who has written a book about breaking free from the self-help addiction. At first, it sounds really good, but when you look deeper, he has a whole series of videos and workshops and books all about… yep, you guessed it… Self Help.”
Jeanie: “Your feelings of confusion, frozen deer in the headlights, etc. come from when you are trying to project something onto somebody else. That’s inauthentic.”
“Just stop and ask yourself honestly, ‘How does this make me feel?’ and if it makes you feel good, do more of that. If it makes you feel afraid, stuck, frozen, unsure, then don’t’ do it. Honestly, I am to the point when I consider doing something, I check in with myself and if I do not get a resounding ‘hell yes’ then I don’t’ do it. It never fails.”
Me: “I wonder if Ii have lost the ability to get a hell yes.”
Jeanie: “You have just gotten out of the habit. For some reason, you have not allowed yourself that privilege recently. And that comes with thinking you must create with an eye to the audience, such as what’s in Vogue right now? What are people buying? What will people think?”
Me: ”True. I shut myself down in the last few years with all the economic changes we’ve been through.
I used to value myself only on what other people think of me. Maybe I am still doing that.”
Jeanie: “I’m picking up that this latest healing thing you are doing is not bringing you a lot of joy. I don’t sense any freedom coming from this.”
Me: “It felt wonderfully comforting at first. I needed it. It has helped immensely with my personal connection to Source.”
Jeanie: “Pay attention. Those statements are all related to the past.”
Me: “Yes. But who am I NOW?”
Jeanie: “OMG… seriously do I have to come up there and beat your skinny butt?”
Me: “Hahaha. I sure love you.”
Jeanie: “You are an amazing creative being. But don’t take my word for it… you know it’s true.”
Me: “But what in Heaven’s name am I to be creating now? The old stuff doesn’t work. My businesses closed. Our real estate crashed. Trying to sell anything to anybody is not my forte’.”
Jeanie: “It’s not about trying to sell something. It’s becoming seriously magnetic to others who need your help.”
Me:“Ok. Lovely ego of mine – old habits die hard. I’m needing a change of focus and just don’t know which way to turn.”
Jeanie: “Do you remember I asked you to keep an Evidence Journal? I really believe that this overwhelm around continual study around healing is evidence of the shift you’ve already made. It’s what I call ‘proof of land’. After the flood, Noah sent out a couple of ravens and they never came back. Then he sent out a dove which came back with an olive branch in its mouth. Noah couldn’t see land, but he knew it was proof of land.”
“Your realization today is proof of land. The old ways of being no longer work, including the self-sabotaging hateful voice that tries to keep sitting you in a corner. I’m serious Jo Lyn. What brings you the greatest amount of joy? Writing? Being outside? Singing?”
Jeanie: “I knew it. So now you have permission to write.
Me: “When I was a young mother, I would wake up with whole novels in my head – characters, plot, setting, the works. But I didn’t have time to write them down. Now, that doesn’t happen any more.”
Jeanie: “Okay. My sweet man will be home for lunch in 3 minutes. Here’s your quick assignment.”
“Take three objects out of your house and sit them in front of you and write a quick story around them. They can be anything… a box of raisins, and old mug, a plant… doesn’t matter. Send me a picture of the objects and the short story you write about it. It’s called a story generator. Ready Set Go! …And have fun doing it!”
A Story Generator
Raisins. Mug. Plant.
I looked around. What is in my house? I imagine going into my kitchen. I don’t spend much time there anymore. What do I do? What is in my house that is meaningful to me, that could inspire a story?
I see my computer keyboard. My cell phone. The computer mouse. A pen.
An ant crawling along the edge of the scraggly old spiral notebook I’ve been scribbling in.
One of these things is not like the others.
The ant doesn’t belong here.
Raisins. Mug. Plant.
My mind starts to whirr….
Then comes to a stop.
Dear Heavenly Father.
Please help me do this ONE thing.
Help me do this ONE thing…
That I can do… just for me…
…in the next hour.
The thought flashed through my mind that I never take time to really listen to my own heart.
I’m focused on all this healing stuff, with webinars and social media and email.
I’ve created busyness in place of business.
It’s all a lot of noise.
A lot of buzz.
I’m alone in this house most of the day until my own sweetheart comes home…
but I don’t give myself the luxury of doing the one thing I enjoy doing.
I don’t give myself permission to write, just for me, just for fun.
I’m still trying to obey that misconceived directive from childhood, that I am not allowed to play until the work is done. My father used to say I couldn’t play until the work was done.
It took me years to realize that to him, work had to be hard to be valuable, and that work is never done.
So in my poor little pea-picking brain, I believe that I am not allowed to do what I enjoy.
Jeanie just gave me permission.
And she doesn’t take no for an answer.
I clicked the X to close the internet browser.
Suddenly there was silence.
Silence so thick that it throbbed.
I looked down at the mess on my desk…
the spiral notebook and pen…
a tiny black ant crawled along it’s edge.
The ant was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Too insignificant to survive in this environment.
He was trying really hard to walk the edge in a world that was not designed for him.
Trying to fit in with the paper and pen.
So sorry you are not the right place at the right time.
So sorry you don’t know who you really are.
So sorry you don’t know that you have permission now to know yourself, and to be free.
So sorry the stories no longer come easily…
But really, you are.
You are in the write place…
At the right time.
Thank you, Jeanie!!
My Sacred Gift of Writing
My Sacred Gift of Healing
After our Compassion Circle Sharing call last evening, I thought to put my body in a circle of light, and give it compassion for the weight, health and balance issues that have prevailed despite all my holistic energy healing work.This self-directed compassion is a process of self-love, self-forgiveness, and self healing.
It is a process of validating emotions for the purpose of acknowledging them as real, as important, and as part of our soul’s process of exploring what we want and what we don’t want to experience… thus helping us be free to make positive life choices.In my mind’s eye, I draw a golden circle of Divine Light.
I place my body in that circle.
So sorry you are so heavy.
So sorry no matter what you do, you cannot change your stars.
So sorry you are stuck carrying other people’s burdens.
So sorry other people can release weight through learning to love themselves, but you cannot.
So sorry you are stuck in a perpetual state of chronic adrenal stress, for ever and ever and ever and ever and always.
So sorry your parasympathetic nervous system is so shattered, and you can never heal.
So sorry the stress you carry is not a burden you can ever put down.
So sorry you can send other’s burdens to the light, but not your own.
So sorry you feel you have to save the world.
So sorry you contracted to be in servitude forever.
So sorry work and service have to be hard.
So sorry you don’t know how to serve from a space of joy and love.
So sorry your world cannot be light and easy.
So sorry it is so difficult to throw off generational burdens.
So sorry they carried heavy burdens, so it wouldn’t be fair if you lightened your own load.
So sorry those burdens are so heavy your legs can no longer hold you up.
So sorry you have to become disabled in order to be relieved of your burdens.
So sorry now you have become a burden to others.
So sorry for your sorrows.
so I leave my body in the circle of light…
Intermittently, I wake up and check the circle.
Yep, my body is still there.
I give more compassion each time I awake.
So sorry you are stuck there.
So sorry you will always be stuck.
A few more hours of sleep – it is still there in the circle.
So sorry there is nowhere to go.
So sorry there is only shadow in that circle.
So sorry a circle of light is so dark.
So sorry you think you have to be heavy to stay alive.
So sorry you think you must be heavy to survive.
So sorry you don’t see that heaviness is what is killing you.
So sorry you don’t see that burden is too heavy.
So sorry you can’t see that weightlessness would allow you to move more freely.
So sorry you can’t see that you have the power to change.
So sorry you don’t see that you can give yourself permission to release the lot of it.
So sorry you don’t see that you can release it and let it go while still in this physical body.
So sorry you can’t figure out how to let it go without dying.
So sorry your cells think they are protecting you from harm by chelating emotional toxins.
So sorry you are too afraid to see your truth.
So sorry you cannot just let it all go.
So sorry you cannot love yourself just the way you are.
I awake in the morning – yep… my body is still in the circle… but I am on my way to deep water aerobics, so I can’t stop and focus for a session. It will have to wait.
My swimsuit on, I’m in the pool.
In between the instructor’s guidance,
I check that circle of light.
My body is still there, but it is all crumpled up.
It looks like a pile of discarded clothing.
Blacks and browns and blues.
Shall I send it compassion now?
Okay… and I go my merry way,
able to perform full range of motion in the water,
moving there in ways I cannot do on dry land.
My lips have been chapped for weeks.
Ever since Mother passed away my lips have dried out, peeled off, become soft again, only to dry out again.
Sometimes my lips feel like a snake shedding it’s skin.
Yes, I use amazingly good lip stuff.
Yes, I stay well hydrated.
Water water everywhere, inside and out.
Still, I’m shedding my skin.
On my way home I check again.
Yep, my body is still in the circle of light,
all crumpled up like wadded up fabric…
Shall I do a compassion session now?
Once home, I dry my hair, eat breakfast, send my husband off to work, and sit at the computer.
I write my story of Clearing Deep Resentments, (4 hour project) totally losing track of time.
I love expressing myself through words.
Words have so many nuances.
I love that I can muscle test and know which words to use.
I love that when it’s the wrong word or phrase,
My intuition will lead me to the right ones.
Those I know who don’t love writing
think I am compelled to write by some evil magician or because of an odd pathological obsessive compulsive behavior.
But truth being – I write because I love to write.
I can express myself through the written word
in a way that satisfies my soul.
I write to process.
I write for healing.
I check my circle of light.
Is my body still a crumpled pile of clothing?
Do I see the crumpled pile?
Is my body still in the circle of light?
Is my body light in the circle of light?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.
Clearing Deep Resentments
I received a compassion session from my Compassion Key partner, in which I uncovered deep resentments toward my father that I had never cleared, in all these years of healing work.
It was not a fun session for me.
I didn’t want to face the truth that I could never be fully healed
until I resolved this issue of resentment and unwillingness to forgive.
The issues are generations old, passed down from one to another.
I didn’t realize the greater fault was mine, in refusing to release the resentments.
I had been guarding my feelings for so long, that I externalized the blame.
I didn’t wake up to the understanding that the power of healing was within me all along….
As a small child I loved and revered my father,
even though he prized his boys and disregarded his girls.
As a teen, I became disillusioned, rebellious, frustrated and quite bitter toward him.
As a young adult, in an effort toward emotional self preservation,
I distanced myself from his authoritative, scarcity mindedness
and his “my way or the highway” attitudes.
It became easy to blame my problems on his less-than-perfect parenting.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
He couldn’t say kind or encouraging words to me.
Our energy styles are polar opposites.
He could only understand the world and other people through his own filters…
and the same could be said of me.
Though I was born of him, his inner world was totally different than mine.
Mid life I recognized my father was simply human,
and it was unrealistic to expect him to meet my old idealistic perception of perfection.
As he aged I realized I could never change him.
But more than ever, I found it difficult to be around him.
I felt that his heavy abrasiveness overpowered the natural light of my soul.
Regardless of how I tried to share what was in my heart,
he seemed unwilling or unable to understand.
I continued to hold my self-protective grudges,
unwittingly stuck in my emotional past,
just as he was stuck in his.
I kept trying through the years to show my love.
Truth be, I suppose I was also seeking his approval.
When their health failed and they wanted to stay in their home,
I remodeled it and installed a kitchen at my own expense so they could have one-level living.When it was no longer safe for them to stay home alone together,
and having people in to help was too stressful,
I drove Dad around town looking for options.
He didn’t want to get into my car, because it was a Cadillac.
He said “Someone would see him in that car and come steal all his money.”No matter that I had proven myself financially enough to be able to help them,
he could not, and would not, accept my offerings.
All I wanted was genuine acknowledgement of shared love.
But it was not forthcoming.
I gave up and began “dodging the bullet” of pain.
I stopped trying to get him to love me.
Because he was my father, and for the sake of my mother,
for all those years, I tolerated him.
I accepted that he had his own coping mechanisms,
and was incapable of expressing love to me in a way I could understand.
He viewed emotions as weakness,
insisting that I use my head and not my heart,
to ensure survival and success in this world.
That counsel caused me great confusion,
because I knew I was all heart.
Thus, I was incapable of meeting his expectations.
He was the authority in my childhood world.
I developed an adverse attitude toward authority in my adult world.
The stress of these inner conflicts and misperceptions contributed to my health meltdown, eventually leading me to a journey of holistic healing.
I attempted to share these new perceptions with my parents.
But because this new learning dealt with emotions,
and emotions were to be feared and disregarded as unimportant,
even though my teachers had worldly authority as doctors,
my new perspectives were promptly and summarily dismissed.
“Poppycock!” was the word.
A few weeks after my father passed in 2012, his spirit spoke to me.
“I’m beginning to understand now. I want to know more,” he said.
But I was bone-deep angry.
“You waited too long,” I said, dismissing him. “You’ll have to wait until I’m ready.”
I continued on my path of learning healing modalities.
For the next six months, I’d get random sharp pains in my right shoulder. Muscle testing and emotional healing work revealed that this was my father, commanding my attention toward something he wanted cleared, either for himself or for his ancestors, often for his mother. I would do the energy healing work and my shoulder pain would dissipate.
Eventually, the shoulder pains ceased altogether, and the patterns of empathic pain shifted to different areas. Prompted by physical pain, I cleared hundreds of thousands of ancestral emotions using various healing modalities in the next few years. As I expanded my understanding, I became quite skilled in this ancestral healing work and in getting the energies to move.
Still, my health and wealth issues continued. I remained weaker and heavier than expected. Often off balance. And I experienced random sharp pain in different parts of my body.
Blessedly, the pain could always be cleared through energy work. Blessedly, our finances improved somewhat. Most importantly, I chose to focus on being more aligned with the Spirit, and found great comfort and peace through meditation and prayer..
Mother came to live with us last year, at age 94. She would often wonder out loud why she was still here in this world, and I would tell her she was “here for the love of it.”
Sometimes she would wish she could die, but say she didn’t know how.
I would tell her I didn’t know how either, but if she figured it out, to go ahead and go to the other side… that when she did manage it, I would miss her terribly, but I would understand.
Once I told her that maybe dying is not something that you actively do, but perhaps it is something you allow. Maybe it is more of a simple “letting go”.
My body picked up on Mother’s energies, usually in the form of knee pain or chronic left hip pain.
I could get these to simply go away by doing the energy work. Curious, Mother read my energy medicine books and requested for me to do healing sessions with her and for her.
I explained that this energy I work with intersects the body and the spirit.Move the energy – get it unstuck – and the body’s natural healing processes can balance out.
The body is programmed for healing and our souls are programmed for wholeness.
Energy Medicine work is simply the practice of gently shifting the energies so the body, mind and spirit become free to do what they are meant to do… to support our soul’s highest expression here in form.Healing together became our constant practice… day and night.
Mother would tell me hurts and sorrows she held from years long past.
I would apply my energy healing modalities to the issues, and release them from her, from me, from all who experienced or were affected by them, and all who inherited them. Mother would tell visitors that I kept her out of the doctor’s office, because her aches and pains would go away when I did the energy work.
Mother passed away a few weeks ago.
She got her wish of simply going to sleep at home, in her own bed, surrounded by family, and just waking up on the other side.
I do miss her terribly, though I do understand she wanted to go.
Her spirit is free now.
She is with those she loves, those who went before.I miss our open, frank conversations.
I miss our expressions of loving kindness and consideration.
i miss her wit and humor.
i miss being able to show her my love through small daily, thoughtful actions.
I miss seeing her express the beauty of her soul through her beautiful cross stitch needlework.
I miss her presence in our home.Healing modalities and self-directed compassion are essential comfort measures for me. As the waves of grief subside, I notice that my chronic aches and pains are also subsiding.
But there remain some issues that are not yet fully resolved in my physical reality.
I notice that I miss my Mother in ways I never missed my Father.
For far too long, I have been busy resenting him for all my childhood hurts and misperceptions…
Too conveniently blaming him for my difficulties with relationships,
for my struggles in not knowing how to feel whole and connected and on purpose in the world.
Some of that was true during my childhood.
But as an adult, it is my responsibility to face my own truths and move beyond the past.
My problem was, until I learned energy healing work, I didn’t know how to move on.
I continue to participate in Compassion Key trainings, giving and receiving sessions.
I thought I had my emotions all handled…
I thought I had cleared all those old childhood issues by just putting them behind me…
until last week’s Circle Compassion session with my partner, Janet Charette.
As the session commenced, we began with a recap of our previous session which had been for her. Then she said it was my turn.
And thus began a conversation.
STUFF from childhood came up. It angered me.
“I thought I had cleared up all this stuff long ago,” I wailed.
“Why does it keep coming up and slamming me in the face, again and again?
When will this ever end!?
Do I have to die to let it all go?!”
Clearly, my resentment had surfaced.
The conversation triggered my old hurts.
That’s a signal that there is something that is ready to be cleared.“Ah”, said Janet. “Your father is who you need to put into the Circle of Light.”
I didn’t want to face it.
I didn’t want to face him.
I felt the effort would be futile.
I didn’t want to forgive.
I wanted to hold onto my resentments.
I didn’t want to bring up old hurts.
Because no matter what I ever accomplished,
he would never change toward me.
He could never appreciate me for who I really am.
I am a girl, and I am all heart, and his heart is closed to me.
I could never meet his expectations when he was alive,
so I knew I could not meet them now that he is dead.
I could never be a boy. He had five boys already.
Why could he not be happy to have girls, too?
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being not enough.
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being expected to clean up after him and the boys.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of being disregarded
and even disrespected and used as a workhorse because I was a girl.
I didn’t want to dredge up those old feelings of being unimportant.
I didn’t want to again go through the pain of being dismissed by him.
Fearing that his negative energies would bully and oppress
my natural lightness as it had in the past,
I resisted putting him in a circle of light.
It was far easier to dismiss him than take the risk and invite him in.
I knew I couldn’t change him. And I couldn’t change me.
For decades, running away had been my only salvation.
But Janet lovingly insisted.
“Will you allow me to help direct you to give yourself some self-compassion?”
And she held the space energetically for me so I felt safe.
So I imagined creating a circle of divine, golden light.
Envisioning him in that circle kept me safe from him, and him safe from me.
Then Janet dug deep with the compassion phrases, saying that as long as I keep him on the hook, there is lots of stuff I don’t have to face yet.
Oh my! My mind indexed on her comment as we progressed with the session.
Could this hook of old resentment be the truth I was side-stepping in all these years of holistic healing work? Could clearing these old resentments be the key to opening the door I’d been knocking on for so long? The key to stepping into a new way of being? A key to authentic wholeness? Is THIS why I still have nagging health and wealth issues?
Every so often, she told me to check into the circle and look at my father,
to see what he was doing.
I would prefer not to look, but I glanced over at the circle of light.
He was just standing there, alone.
I could see his confusion.
He didn’t know what he was doing in the circle.
There was nothing in the circle but him, alone.
Nothing to do.
No weeds to pull.
Nothing to be acted upon.
Nothing to be controlled or manipulated.
No act of service to perform.
Looking around wondering what to do.
“So sorry if you stop hating your dad, you’ll be at loose ends.
So sorry you won’t know what to do with yourself.”
Janet continued with the phrases, mirroring my thoughts with words.
Yes, I was triggered in the process.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, my face crinkled up as tears rolled down my face.
Yes, I blew my nose.
Janet continued to hold the space for me.
We checked into the circle again.
My father was flying a kite, totally unaware of my fears.
More digging deep.
More releasing of old hurts.
“I just want this all to be done!”
“It will be done when you choose that it is done.
When you have released all the resentments,
and your soul is clear, then it is done.
The timing is all up to you.”
We checked into the circle again.
Empty. He was gone.
Gone to fly a kite with his brother.
And that was it.
I didn’t die by encircling him in Divine Light.
I acknowledged my fears and resentments,
releasing them through the power of compassion,
Then I had another thought, which brought up another fear.
I have spent decades motivated by these fears
of not measuring up, of not being enough,
of not being worthy of mention or attention… or of love…
of having to prove that girls are just as valuable as boys…
And now that scarcity motivation is gone,
now that I have cleared these resentments, who am I?
What am I? What can I do? How do I be me?
“So sorry you don’t know who you are.”
“So sorry you don’t know how to be the new you.”
In compassion for my plight, Janet put on her Theta Healing hat
and connected with Divine Source on my behalf.
With my permission, she asked that the old contract be marked complete
on the genetic, core and soul levels, releasing of the obligation to re-pattern the lesson,
to release everyone in the world from showing up to re-teach me that lesson…
Forgiveness was expressed.
Permissions for fun and joy and love were given…
She requested and witnessed The Great Creator of All Things
lifting from me the fear and the pain,
and giving me the Creator’s perspective of how
to be in joy and choose from love,
and to know my purpose again…
Teaching me that when I am being on purpose I feel light.
Teaching me that if something feels heavy, to not choose it.
Choose to let go of all I am not.
If it is not light it is a lie.
To feel the joy in my human body…
If I have something in my heart… to let it out.
To become a conscious co-creator…
To follow my heart and express what is in it…
Whatever is the fullest expression of my soul’s light…
Whatever gives me joy and expresses my joy…
To be in my own creation, not attempting to fit myself into someone else’s expectation…
To not attempt to fill my perception of someone else’s expectation…
To not be “hell bent” on proving them right…
When I am doing the best I can in my sweet zone…
When I am doing what brings my heart joy…
That is when I am on purpose…
Happiness is wanting what I get.
Success is not what I expected.
I am allowed to be surprised by life and love and joy.
How much joy can I stand?
How much happiness can I handle?
How much money can I receive?
How many lives can I change?
Ask for that feeling. How it shows up is God’s business.
Then you will want to HAVE a life.
The more you live in the feeling you want,
The more you ramp up how much you can receive.
We always get what we want.
We don’t always know why we want it.
Often we create either too much of what we don’t want,
Or not enough of what we do want.
But now, having released all the old fears and resentments,
I can now have what I want.
I can now create what I want.
I don’t have to die to achieve it.
I can be loved, even cherished.
I can care without criticism.
I can love others unconditionally.
I can express myself without fear.
I can love without judgment.
I can live an inspired life.
I can feel aligned with The Great Creator.
I can have what I want in a healthy body.
I can contribute in meaningful ways.
I can go where I want to go.
I can live how I want to live.
Not the session I expected.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, It is done, It is done.
Divine Compassion from The Still Small Voice
Humbly, after a sleepless, anguished night,
I dared to invite God into my meditation.
I view God as my Heavenly Father,
and I as one of his daughters…
– a “Divine Spark” so to speak.
Daughters should be able to speak to their parents, right?
To say what ever is in their hearts?
To seek guidance, comfort and encouragement?
To be protected and loved?
Yes, sweet one.
It is okay to talk to me.
I am always here for you.
Dear God, I asked, anguished,
Am I on track?
Am I progressing through this world of tears,
As I was meant to do?
Yes, you are.
But sometimes – it just hurts so much.
I feel like I’ve lost my way.
You knew this would happen.
You wanted to grow.
These experiences are your lessons.
Okay,okay. I get that.
No whining. Toughen up.
But, sometimes I feel so far away.
Sometimes, I just can’t hear your voice.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m walking through the darkness.
I’ve been struggling so hard, trying to fight my way back.
Aching to feel you near.
Because, when I feel you touch my heart,
No pain is too sharp.
No sorrow is too deep.
No sacrifice too great.
No path is too difficult.
Aligned with the Divine, I am whole.
Separate, I am bereft.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for all the hurts.
I am so sorry for all the confusion.
I am so sorry for all the sorrows.
I am so sorry for all the separation.
I am so sorry it feels like I am so far away.
I am so sorry you have forgotten your Divine Self.
I am so sorry you have forgotten how to hear the truth within.
I am so sorry some lessons seem so harsh.
I am so sorry some lessons take so long to learn.
I am so sorry you have to ask if it’s okay to talk to me.
You are so loved.
Learn to listen to the truth inside you…
Learn to discern the difference between
the fearful emotions of your worldly self
and the calm, peaceful confidence in your Divine Self.
Listen, Listen, to the Still, Small Voice.
The Healing Process of Grief
A friend recently reached out for help after her parents died. She expressed that she is wavering between lost, stuck and numb, and not sure how to move on in life.
Lost, stuck and numb… symptoms of deep grief. It reminded me of the grieving process our family went through upon the death of a grandson (just 12 days old)… and when we went through bad economic times (and lost our properties)… and when one of our extended family members divorced (I lost a sister in that mess…).
Life can be messy – even when you think you’re “doing things right”, things can go wrong, and people can get hurt.
And so… we grieve.
There are five basic stages of grief, outlined by medical researcher Elizabeth Kubler Ross years ago.
I learned about them in the BYU Nursing School…. it’s funny what sticks with you through the years. There’s so much from college I’ve forgotten – but I still remember these stages of grief:
We can go through these stages in any order…
And when something triggers our memories of our losses, we can go through them all over again.
And we can stay stuck in any one of them for any length of time.
We discussed the grieving process in the caregiving classes I used to teach. I remember presenting this list of five stages of grief, and asking if anyone had any experiences they wanted to share. One of my students jumped up and said “YES!” She explained that she had been stuck in denial for 15 years following her husband’s death from a car accident – and only “woke up” when her son graduated from high school. She had missed 15 years of his life, numb-stuck in the pain of loss, which she drowned in alcohol at the local bar… while her parents raised her boy. Her son’s high school graduation was the trigger that made her realize that when her husband died, she allowed herself to “die” too…. and wasted 15 years of her life. Yet there she was, open and excited to tell us her story. She had found help, stopped drinking, was sober, and was training to become a caregiver and contribute to the world around her. She was amazed to feel fully alive. It is never too late to begin again.
Each stage of grief serves a purpose to help us process whatever it is that hurts so much. Like navigating any life experience, it is in our best interest to listen to the Divine Spirit within us and to choose a good path going forward. It is possible that through conscious awareness, we can choose our emotions, our mental state, our thoughts and our behaviors. Basically, we are in charge of creating our own world – our own life experience.
Denial serves the purpose of keeping us from feeling the full effects of what happened, while we deal with the immediate issues at hand…. like getting through the funeral. But depression becomes part of the problem when we stay stuck there, unwilling or unable to find new ways to live.
Anger gives us the emotional power to take needed action in a decisive moment. Such action can be the “saving grace” in some situations. Misdirected, however, anger can be devastatingly destructive.
Bargaining is sometimes the chip that makes things better – as in negotiating and compromising with someone for a win-win. But when we’ve experienced the death of a loved one, we may try to bargain with God – as in, “bring them back and I’ll be perfect forever”. Promising to God that we will be a better person is a good thing… unless it puts unrealistic or impossible expectations on ourselves or others.
Depression is a process of acknowledging and processing the fact that the actual event really happened… and that our lives are irrevocably changed as a result. This is a time for honoring our loved ones and what’s been lost. In it’s best form, when perceived from a sense of conscious awareness of the purpose of life, depression blooms into gratitude for the blessings we experienced.
Holding onto our sorrows as a crutch, however, can change depression from a healthy part of the grieving process into a clinical dysfunction.
Acceptance is a state of allowing ourselves to grow… and to heal, as you, simply in reading this, are showing that you are ready to do. One of the very best things you can do in your process is to partake of the pure, unconditional love that The Great Creator of All Things, has for you. Say yes to prayer. Yes to studying the holy scriptures. Yes to seeking solace at church. Yes to reaching out to friends and family. Yes to calling upon God in your darkest of hours. And yes to thanking God for grace… and peace.
I remember as a little child, upon learning something new, I’d be so amazed that I would run and tell whomever I could find about the amazing new thing I had learned. If they ignored me, or brushed me off (yes, I was a chatterbox) I was not deterred… I’d simply go tell someone else… and someone else… and someone else… until finally, someone would look me in the eye, hear what I had to say, and agree with me that it was amazingly wonderful. Then, with that validation, I was free to go on and learn something new.Compassion
In the same way, pure compassion validates the human experience. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” can be the kindest thing to say – or to hear – when you’re in the depths of despair over a loss in your life.
But if you don’t have anyone you can reach out to for comfort, know this… that you have God-given capacity within your own heart and mind to send yourself some compassion for what you’ve been through. It’s perfectly okay for you to love yourself. And to accept the healing power of available to you simply by tuning in to Divine Love.
“I am so sorry for your loss”. My prayer is that you will find it in your heart to forgive yourself and others for any imperfections in your relationship with them – and with those who have passed on. And that you can forgive them for leaving you. It has been said that some people come into our lives for a few moments, some for months, some for years, and some for a lifetime or longer.
Acknowledge truth of life, and of death… and “the truth will set you free”.
The truth is, that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.
This world is not perfect, nor was it meant to be.
It was set up in a way to allow us to explore, and to grow, and to become closer to being our highest and best selves.
It is designed so that we can become more consciously aware of our power of choice, our ability to respond rather than react,and the power of love over fear.
And the truth is, some of this life stuff hurts, and when you’re in the middle of it,
it can be very difficult to see your way out.
Some people give up. You have reached out.
You are choosing to live.
You have chosen life.
Therefore, life has chosen you.
I am excited to see what you make of it!!
Sending you blessings of hope, encouragement and love…