Closet Clutter Clearing Therapy…
“We’re in contract.”
One sentence that culminates a whirlwind search for where to live when my husband retires.
It began with a one day trip to the beach at Ocean Shores,
where my husband indulged my need to stare at the ocean with my feet in the sand for 5 long blessed hours….
Something I’ve been craving since Mother passed.
And then a short drive around the peninsula…
A discovery of a new fun beach development…
Sandy lots available at just $15,000 each…
and a flicker of hope in my subconscious mind..
That maybe, just maybe, despite the 2008 crash and subsequent losses…
Maybe, just maybe, we could have our own little place again…
And maybe it would be a bungalow at the beach…
A few conversations with realtors and mortgage brokers,
and we were amazed to be “invited” back into the world of the living…
Where people who are considered trustworthy are offered mortgages to buy houses…
We are invited to get back into debt.
Imaginations ran wild.
Boat storage business.
Merry go round.
Short term rentals.
Oh, the possibilities!
Eventually coming back to earth,
We realized that retirees who build dream houses in tiny beach towns eventually leave…
for health reasons…
or for better amenities…
and houses where there is no real job market don’t appreciate…
And if we were really going to get back into home ownership, where would we REALLY want to live?
Eenie meenie mienie mo…
Where on earth do we want to go…
We wrote our wish list and started studying housing markets…
“We’re in contract”.
The decision is done.
But the work has only just begun.
Clutter clearing, here we come!
I watched a sappy sweet Christmas movie,
turned on a sentimental Christmas music playlist,
and headed for my closet.
Yep… the closet I couldn’t really clean when I went through
Clutter Clearing Class the first time a couple years ago.
This time, with the promise of a beautiful new home as motivation, I began.
Touching each piece of clothing, I muscle tested yes or no.
Yes to keep and no to let go…
The yes’s stayed on their hangers…
The no’s made it to the closet floor.
Some were obviously past their prime…
Hidden deep in the closet I’d ignored them for 3 years…
But some surprised me…
They were things I still wear…
Things I like, even…
And some brand spankin’ new…
But never worn….
Why were they never worn?
Because I had changed.
I became a new me –
And this is a new day.
Ready or not…
The music jangled on…
But my tears began to flow…
Do I really have to let go?
Yes What am I letting go of?
Why am I crying?
What is this fear?
It’s not the clothes.
I am letting go of the me that I was when I wore these items every day…
When I was young and slender and lithe and quick and vibrant….
I am letting go of the pain I felt when I was so sick
and my children cleaned out my closet of many favorites,
thinking I would never get well again…
they thought they were doing me a favor…
and maybe they were,
but it didn’t feel that way then.
“Let go of the old, you you can make room for the new.”
That’s what they say, but when you’re not ready,
it feels more like pain and grief and loss.
What if letting go of the old releases the loss?
What if letting go of the old empowers you to live fully in the present moment?
I feel the energy lift.
I lived 20 when I was 20.
40 when I was 40.
And now as I am now…
Wiping the tears away, I continue…
This time, on purpose…
the letting go is totally on my own terms.
“We are under contract”…
Which means we made a conscious choice for where to live
for the next however many years we’ll be embodied on this planet as Kevin and Jo Lyn…
It’s been a journey of faith,
of conscious choices,
and careful budgeting.
Good stewards of the resources we know we will have for the long term…
And if you’re health is such that your world shrinks to the size of a box…
I say, let that box be beautiful!
Take only what you really want.
Bring with you only what serves you in the now.
Accept and be the you that you are today…
Jeanie Brosius King and Marie Kondo would be proud of me.
I am proud of me.
I manage to pick up the pile of clothes from the floor an armful at a time.
My balance a bit wobbly – I am grateful for the door moldings that my fingers hang on to,
Supporting me as I shuffle from here to there.
My thoughts flicker to my friend who can no longer walk at all…
I muscle test each item on the bed.
Separating them into piles,
one to keep,
one for my daughter,
and one to let go…
The keep pile is small,
And as the other two grow,
I find my words changing from “let go” to “give”.
And along with the words, feelings of gratitude flow…
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
It has only just begun.
We’ve been contemplating our post-retirement move – which quickly became an adventure in house hunting. Not being as physically strong and capable as in years past, one of the thoughts that kept coming up for me was: “Who am I to have a house of my own?”, and “I have no value as a human being, what makes me think it is okay to have a house?”
Self-deprecating thoughts are, of course, self-defeating. Negative thoughts bring up deeply held emotions of shame, self-loathing, guilt for taking up space in the world, hopelessness, and an explicable self-limiting belief that something is intrinsically wrong with me.
Why do some people grow up with an innate sense of well-being, and others grow up emotionally insecure?
The answer to that is finally coming to light for me. Studying the latest research by leading scientists and therapists in trauma healing, I have a name for an underlying reason for my struggles with low self-esteem, and my continual need to study all things “holistic healing”. That name is “Developmental Trauma Disorder” – a term coined by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and his peers, as explained in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”. Understanding that in our earliest years, we create a perceptual map of what the world is like (safe vs unsafe), and that these deep subconscious beliefs drive our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and even abilities as we go through life… is enlightening.
For years, I’ve sensed that not everything is the way I perceive it to be. For decades, I held onto specific hurtful and confusing events from childhood as “evidence” that there was something wrong with me. Now I know that how my psyche shaped those internal perceptions was simply a result of my early childhood experiences. There’s nothing “wrong” with me as a human being. I’m not an unwanted piece of trash. For me, my developmental trauma was mostly based on my impression, at birth, that they were disappointed in me because I was a girl instead of a boy. They had no idea how that affected my sense of self worth… but here I am decades later – telling you about it – so it was not something I could “just get over”. Being a helpless, impressionable infant, my immature neurological system believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me… and I was therefore at risk of not being safe in the world. I couldn’t simply “become a boy”… so I worked really hard to fit in and be significant in my family… thus ensuring my survival… but always felt an underlying sense of “not being enough”. And until my recent studies, I didn’t have the words to explain it.
So why am I sharing this “deep, dark inner secret” about my own mixed up psyche?
Why would I tell anyone about feeling worthless and undeserving as a human being?
Because last night, in meditation, I was able to clear (release and resolve) that old perceptual belief.
And that frees me to heal… to see myself as healthy… a fully embodied soul… capable, resilient, and whole.
And if I can do it… then maybe this will help someone else who suffers from DTD…
In my bed, I struggle to sleep. Failing that, I begin meditation. Knowing about Developmental Trauma Disorder gives me a greater understanding of the source of my decades of low self-esteem, I began working through my meditative question and answer process:
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…
Is this lack of value a divine truth? No…
Is this lack of value a belief? Yes…
Is this an ancestral belief? No…
Is this a collective belief? No…
Is this my own belief? Yes…
Is this a conscious belief? No…
Is this a subconscious belief? Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…”
Pausing, I feel the self-defeating belief deeply in my belly… visualizing the branches of my unmyelinated dorsal vagus nerve enmeshed throughout my visceral organs. The vagus nerve is directly connected to the limbic, reptilian part of my brain – the fight/flight/freeze command center – which was all I had to work with as an infant.
Tears flow from my eyes, running silently down the sides of my face, wetting my ears and my pillow. I couldn’t have known then, that just because they wanted a boy, did not mean that there was something wrong with me.
“I forgive myself for not knowing.
I forgive myself for being a baby when I was a baby.
I forgive them and myself for being human.
Can I clear this subconscious belief? Yes…
Do I know how to do it? Yes… “
Hands on my heart, I being tapping gently, intentionally…
“Clearing lack of value as a human being.
Releasing lack of value as a human being.
Resolving this developmental traumatic perception of lack of value as a human being.”
Tapping, clearing, releasing, resolving….
Sighing deeply, I feel the tendons and ligaments in my hip relax to a new level.
The decades old, unfinished fight/flight energy associated with feeling unsafe is allowed to process.
My hips and legs begin slight movements, which I recognize as completion movements related to flight…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…”
Smiling, I continue…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…
I create and share value with the world. Yes…
I am supported as I create and share value with others. Yes…
I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.”
Now… I can go house hunting and feel great about it!
Review of my website dashboard revealed this post from a couple years ago… I wrote it, but held too much fear and pain in my heart to publish it at that time. I’ve grown since then… but it still may have value to those working through similar processes. Sending love and blessings for your journey…
Scarcity and Abundance – Patterns of Perception and Response
Growing up in a family with a predominate viewpoint of scarcity was certainly a challenge – but also a blessing. My family taught me how to work – how to be industrious and creative in solving problems of daily life. But looking over my mother’s shoulder as she struggled to pay the monthly bills also taught me that money was something always in short supply. I determined early on that if I wanted to have anything in this world, I would need to work for it – and I did so with great strength, courage and enthusiasm. I held the certainty and hope that hard work would bring me things I wanted to have and a certain amount of worldly riches, or at least enough resources for basic support and comfort.
Growing up in a family with a religious heritage was also a challenge – and a blessing. I seemed to come into this world with my own strong sense of the worth of souls and the value of service to others. The religious training I received from being raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has supported my deep sense of spirituality and added depth and richness to all of my life experiences.
But there were also inner conflicts aplenty, which seem to have originated from habitual family patterns of reacting to life challenges from a perspective of fear and scarcity rather than responding from a space of love and abundance.
Therein lies my quest – to honor and appreciate the goodness of my family heritage and to release and let go of old patterns and perceptions that have kept me stuck for years in scarcity and pain.
I cannot tell the whole story of my journey to a life of generosity and abundance in one blog post. But I can share one small episode as an example.
Recently, I became aware that someone I cared about was resentful of us. It appeared that he had the impression that we were “rolling in the dough”, but wouldn’t help him in his financial trials. He had no clue that we were going through the same economic storm as everyone else we knew – and not faring very well.
When I learned of his opinion, I was triggered. My anger flared dramatically. I was immediately offended that he set himself up to judge us as unworthy of affluence. He had no true knowledge of our efforts to grow and expand beyond who we were and try to become “successful”, only to see it all wiped away during the economic downturn, and have to start all over again.
My husband saw how the conversation triggered me. He touched my arm lovingly, and whispered in my ear that the conversation was not meant to hurt either of us, but just to be an opening for improved communication. I grew silent and kept the rest of my thoughts to myself as I realized that the real problem was my emotional flare – something in me was definitely triggered by this conversation.
My thought process:
What is the real reason for this person’s resentment?
Have I actually caused him any harm? No.
It appears that our offense was to work hard to try to overcome scarcity mentality.
We were successful for a while, then seemingly, not.
All our hard work did not “pay off” and bring us “riches” as we had been taught as children that it would…
At least, not for the the long term.
But even then, why would this person be angry if we did achieve “success”?
Isn’t that what we all were encouraged to work toward?
And even deeper than that, why did his opinion even matter?
Why was I triggered emotionally?
Trying to make sense of what was going on inside my own psyche, I turned to The Body Code app and began using my muscle testing skills to discover some deeper answers.
“Is there an underlying reason for this flare of anger?
The Body Code led me to Energies > Post Traumatic > Inflammation
Underlying the inflammation energy were twin causes, 1) an addictive heart energy and 2) an energy of parasitic pathogens.
My intuition kicked in, and I muscle tested further, verifying the thoughts and memories that flooded into my consciousness.
The inflammation and parasitic energy were intertwined, and related to the perception of never-ending scarcity.
My scarcity beliefs began with an addictive heart energy inherited from my mother before I was born. Mother evidently experienced some kind of deprivation and fear while she was carrying me, and that energy was passed on to me at my birth. This distorted belief was then proven “true” by early childhood experiences (ask me some time about “Life Savers vs Tootsie Rolls”), and later childhood experiences of never enough money and not being deserving of receiving or spending money. I also discovered a deeper and darker sub-conscious belief that my very existence was not a blessing to my parents, but instead, that I was perceived as a burden, physically and financially. I believed myself to be a financial parasite to my parents – an “unprofitable servant” so to speak. Hence, my addictive heart energy of feeling desperate for love, my willingness to do anything anyone asked of me even if it was harmful to me, and the underlying belief of being undeserving and worthless. Oh, how I groan as I see how these negative patterns have played out in my life!
Even while I have been successful in many things, these and other inner conflicts have held me back from becoming all I can be. Sigh…
Let me be clear about one thing.
My parents never consciously intended for me to be hurt, or to cause any inner conflicts. I think they wanted me to be rich and happy, and while they taught me how to work, they didn’t truly believe I could ever really achieve anything substantial because I am a girl, and therefore in their world view, incapable of success or wealth building. I think they thought that for me to ever be rich, I would have to “marry money”.
Subsequently, I grew up with a self sabotaging psyche. I worked hard. I tried to work smart. I created a certain level of financial and business success, but not knowing how to manage during the economic meltdown, self-sabotaged myself right out of the abundance I had created. It was a nightmare to actually experience that self-fulfilling prophecy of scarcity.
Is there a real way out of this quandary of inner conflicts, self-defeating behaviors, and feeling like an unwanted vagabond on the face of the earth?
Yes, of course there is.
Everything begins with energy…
The energy of spirit…
The energy of thought…
The energy of emotion…
The energy of response…
The energy of choice…
The energy of action…
The energy of manifestation….
There is much more to share…
“Come along with me, the best is yet to be.”….
Today I completed a 28 Day Gratitude Practice…
28 days of focused attention to blessings great and small…
What I appreciate most about the experience is that
my morning meditative self talk focus has shifted from
“what do I need to clear” (focused on the past) to
“what am I grateful for”… (focused on the present)…
And in the present moment,
I am laying the foundation for future moments…
of greater gratitude and joy.
I have been trying to resolve some physical health issues,
and knowing that there is an underlying mental, emotional, energetic
component to every disease and disorder,
I have developed the habit of waking up each day,
searching my mind for what I need to clear out of my psyche…
That “clearing” practice has been helpful in digging up and airing out
long forgotten unpleasant experiences, and allowing the biochemistry processing to complete…
But at some point, my habitual thought pattern became so focused on past wounds that I forgot to appreciate that I don’t live in my past anymore…
And I am much better served by being grateful,
in the present moment,
for blessings great and small…
Habits of thought are created through repetition, so, with the help of some special friends, I employed Rhonda Byrne’s “The Magic” (book 3 in the series of “The Secret”) as the structure for my 28 Day Gratitude Practice.
The first time through, I created the structure for our practice in the Facebook group, but my actual personal practice fizzled out…
Until one of my friends said “Let’s start this up again.”
This time, I am so happy to report that I completed each of the 28 Day Gratitude Practice prompts, with full purpose of heart…
and The Magic truly began to happen!
My energy lightened.
My spirits lifted.
I began looking for things to be grateful for.
I focused on noticing the joy…
And as I did, more joyful things appeared!
New clients showed up – effortless abundance!
I found the energy to deep clean my home – definite progress!
I received unexpected checks in the mail – a welcome surprise!
Today I woke up with gratitude phrases in my mind…
and found my body beginning to cooperate gently and joyfully…
“Thank you for my strong, healthy body.”
“Thank you for full range of motion.”
“Thank you for full relaxation.”
“Thank you for standing tall and walking strong.”
“Thank you for all the love in my life.”
As I write this post, a children’s song comes to mind…
from the Children’s Songbook…
one that I taught my own little ones…
a song of saying thank you… thank you… thank you…
a song of receiving divine love…
“Children All Over the World”
All over the world at the end of day, Words: Peggy Hill Ryskamp, b. 1949. © 1975 IRI
Heav’nly Father’s children kneel down and pray,
Each saying thank you in his own special way,
Saying thank you, thank you in his own special way.
“Wir danken dir.” (veer don-ken deer)
All over the world tender voices hear.
Some say “tak,” (tahk)
others “merci,” (mare-see)
“Kansha shimasu,” (kahn-shah shee-mah-sue)
We thank thee.
Our Heavenly Father hears them;
He understands each tongue.
Our Heav’nly Father knows them;
He loves them,
Music: Beth Groberg Stratton, b. 1944. © 1975 IRI
Children’s Songbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world.
All things break.
And all things can be mended.
Not with time, as they say,
but with intention.
The broken world waits in darkness
for the light that is you.”
-L. R. Knost
“We don’t live in the Garden of Eden. It’s a mess down here on earth. I believe God wants us to get busy and do what we can to make the world better. God wants us to not be commanded in all things and to use our capacities to make a difference. I believe God blesses us with inspiration and capacity to make a difference, but we have to do the work first. We have to truly desire to do good and use the capacities we have. We have to be willing to stick our necks out, in any meaningful effort to create or affect something. This is faith. Your desire, your effort makes you more able to receive inspiration or insight into how a problem might be solved or to feel what direction might be best. But I don’t think it’s all predetermined and we should therefore wait for the ‘correct’ answers. I believe God is in a relationship with us and will offer things to us as we demonstrate the desire to create a better world—When we are truly seeking, as manifested through our behavior.” – Dr. Finlayson-Fife
A beloved friend recently reached out in anguish,
seeking reassurance during a time of self-doubt,
a struggle she has faced since childhood trauma reared its ugly head.
I was slow in answering, because I was away from my desk,
and not immediately available.
When I eventually responded, others had already reached out to comfort her,
but when she saw my post, she reacted with the words –
“Oh – you DO care!”
Yes, dear one, I do care.
My heart overflows with exquisite compassion
that seems to come from somewhere else, beyond my own human smallness.
My husband and I were at the temple that morning,
and my state of being is feeling quite tender remembering it,
for I received such a powerful spiritual witness of The SON at the veil.
During the service, I imagined myself standing before God,
emptying my soul of everything I had been hanging onto…
like a little child would empty his pockets of all his treasures…
turning them inside out as he revealed
the bits and pieces of dusty stuff,
sticks and stones, marbles and string,
wadded up papers and scraggly bits of ribbon…
things he had picked up along his path,
or gotten from others in his meanderings…
pulling it all out, holding it tightly in his fists for a moment,
then laying it all out upon the bench before his father…
hair all mussed up,
smudges of dirt on his face…
with nothing left to give…
And then in my imagination, the bench became an altar,
and the great hand of God reached down and swept it all away,
scattering my once-treasured trash across the room and off into oblivion!
All those little things I had been holding onto were gone.
I had nothing left to give or to do.
Nothing left to hold onto.
I simply stood there, pockets and hands empty, standing alone before the altar of God.
Whereupon – God reached out his arms,
gesturing for me to climb up onto the altar.
So I climbed up to the cushion on top,
and curled up like a little child asleep.
And then, in my mind’s eye,
the great hands of God encircled the altar,
flowing Divine creative energy completely through me,
cradling me, cleansing me with an immense flow of Divine energy.
In physical reality, I still sat, demurely in my cushioned seat,
comfortable and safe in that holy place.
My mind returned to the words being spoken —
words I hold sacred within my heart.
As the session proceeded and I was asked to repeat the words,
I received an immense personal witness
of the physical and spiritual reality of the Son of God…
and His sacrifice…
and for all of us.
I do not know all things.
But I know when I am touched in the heart by the Divine – the Holy One.
Tears streamed down my face – I began tapping on my heart –
barely able to speak the words I knew so well…
and for someone who seems to always have a plethora of words,
I found myself nearly speechless…
Oh dear one,
If you could but see the brilliant light that is the truth of you,
Self doubt would never be your foe.
And yet, you live in human form,
Experiencing depths of contrasting emotions…
along this journey your soul chose to take.Good and evil
Pleasure and pain
Sorrow and joy
and so much more…
As excruciating as is the pain,
so exquisite can be the joy.God’s wisdom was that for our souls to gain
the prize we seek while in this realm,
The veil was drawn across our minds,
and we are to walk in faith…
or fear, whichever is our choice.
Yet, we are not left alone and comfortless.
The Light of Christ is in us all,
and The Holy Spirit witnesses of God’s love.If God loves you and me so deeply as to send
His Only Begotten Son
to chart the path for our return,
Then how, dear soul, canst thou doubt thy own worth?Lifetimes are invested in the search for truth and wholeness.
Could the answer already be before us – and within us?
As we align with the Divine to our best ability…
We position our heart to be open,
able to commune with God.
I remember my sweet mother,
just days before she passed,
saying “I can’t figure out what I must do to be able to go.”
And the answer came intuitively:
“Perhaps how to die is not something we can figure out at all.
Maybe the secret of the how is found in simply letting go.”
Trust Divine Guidance
KNOW that you are loved beyond measure.
Continue to seek truth.
For in the truth, shall freedom be discovered.
I am so sorry you are so human.
I am so sorry you get so caught up in the effort to control.
I am so sorry no one can do it as good as you do it.
I am so sorry you were not the only one inspired.
I am so sorry for the fear factor.
I am so sorry that smallness of mind can block the light.
I am so sorry that they were inspired too.
I am so sorry that for your creation to live and grow, you must let it go and let it flow.
All of us learn from one another. We “make things our own”, as an expression of what works for us in our own lives. I have adjusted recipes to suit my tastes. I have changed sewing patterns to add or remove features of clothing I sew, or crafts I have made. I have learned from famous writers and written my own not-so-famous pieces. In the garden, we plant seeds from plants that other people have tended and shared. We play music composed by others, and it comes out differently each time. The examples are endless.
We learn a skill, then adapt it. Should I have to certify in every holistic modality I ever read about? Impossible! Should that preclude me from using tapping or extending compassion to help someone who, in the moment, would benefit from that exercise and is asking for my help? No. We take the good from what we have learned, and expand upon it, adding our own unique flavor, and then share it again.
Where do “certifications” come from? Energy healing modalities and certifications may or may not be Divinely inspired, but they are man made. Methodologies can be structured for learning purposes, but energy, once freed, simply flows. I have studied many methods, read many books, and choose to certify in those to which I feel guided by the Spirit (and/or I am able to afford).
My goal is to align with the Divine as much as I am able, and follow the Light of the Spirit within. My goal is to experience the joy of inspired creativity.
Universally inspired expressions of love, compassion, kindness, empathy and freedom of thought and expression can never be patented or trademarked – just shared. An intuitive person easily recognizes the truth and power of compassion, and it will naturally flow from them when the need arises.
In the past, when I looked to others for validation as to whether or not I was good enough to be loved, accepted, and included, I found that I had to limit the expression of my gifts in order to “fit in”.
Sometimes we see an expression of a gift in someone else, and because of our own limitations – our fears – our own small mind – our own inadequacies – our unfamiliarity with what we see – we want to diminish or control or limit it.
Recently, an associate told me it was not possible for me to be intuitively present and focused on the needs of the person I was helping, to hold the energetic space for them, counsel them, coach them, and to use my gift of writing at the same time – saying something to the effect that only an ascended master could do it, but not me.
The old small-minded me would have been all upset at the criticism, and would have believed and reacted fearfully to those words. The present me just acknowledges the feedback and responds with the neutrality of introspective evaluation for the purpose of self-correction. The present me knows that the gifts and skills I have been given are magnified by the Spirit in the moment they are needed to help and serve others. The gifts of the Spirit are universal, and as I expand my understanding, skills and abilities, I am blessed to feel the joy of creative expression when they flow through me.
I have found that The Spirit of God within us empowers us far beyond what our small-mind, distorted perceptions of ego, negative habits, or self-defeating belief systems would normally allow.
Listening to the Spirit enlarges our capacities to serve and help others. Listening to the Spirit expands our souls and frees our light to shine in unexpected ways – whether for great and grand purposes – or equally as important – for the small, seemingly inconsequential moments that make all the difference to the One.
Let us love and honor one another.
Let the Holy Spirit guide and expand the light of our souls.
The concept that we create our own life,
and that life is a mirror,
has helped me recognize
what I am projecting into the world,
and be able to clear it up.
It’s all well and fine when I can blame
my stuff on the ancestors…
on their trapped emotions
and hidden pain bodies,
And I must say,
that recognizing and releasing such things
is an integral part of unraveling
the web of distorted self perceptions and projections,
that have kept me stumbling around in the dark for decades.
Writing is both my gift and my therapy.
Vulnerability is raw and real
and sharing it garners
external emotional support.
And I thank you for allowing me to share my perceptions
and thought processes
along this seemingly never ending journey,
as I have needed that support and encouragement
so deeply, and sometimes desperately,
in my unwinding process.
Somehow I’m seen as a hero
to be able to recognize and to clear
all the STUFF as it comes up
out of my psyche,
out of my ancestral lines,
out of the quantum experience of past, present, and future.
But one of my deepest underlying fears
is that once I’ve let go of the ancestral blame game,
and released all they brought forth to clear,
that I would not know the truth of my own soul,
that I would not know the truth of who I AM…
without all the layers of collective burdens,
demonic pains, and knotted perceptions…
or that if I did recognize the true ME
when I come out from under it all…
that I would find myself lacking…
That I would not be enough.
Sages say that in order to heal
you must go back in time in your mind
to where the first dysfunctional belief began,
in order to unravel the threads of distorted thoughts,
and clear the twisted, false self-perceptions acquired
in response to someone else’s imperfections…
Back to before you became part of their winding story…
back to the beginning of who you once knew as you…
to feel the memory of the truth of you,
when you were whole.
forgive yourself for the story,
and write a new one.
Been there, done that – or so I think…
traveling to astral realms and back again
to pre-mortal and ancestral worlds of wonder and now here…
in the current moment,
where I find my life improving,
but not yet perfectly appealing..
where life shows me yet another unpleasantry…
a reflection of rejection in my happy place mirror…
which surprised me and nearly dismayed me
as it came from someone with whom I had thought
I had developed a relationship of mutual respect.
And so it is time to reflect, and I know
There is nothing that needs forgiving, because
If life is a mirror, so the rejection I see
is just a reflection of rejection of my own self, to me…
a reflection of my fear of not being enough.
I have dodged that fear for so long.
But I have no regrets about my healing journey,
as it has prepared me for this next level of truth.
And I remember…
I remember the divine personal revelation received
during an all-night talk between myself and God…
(years before I found Soulprint Healing)…
a chakra meditation wherein I went back in time in my mind,
recognizing, validating and healing
childhood hurts, confusion, misconceptions and sorrows…
back to where I saw the very first me that I remember…
the me that was on her way into this world…
And my heart leaps, remembering the joy…
Because it was my turn!
My turn to come here and experience physical mortality!
And I KNEW who I was and I KNEW I could do it…
I KNEW the truth of me,
and I was enough.
And I still am.
Peel away all the disillusions and distortions…
The memories and the fears,
The successes and the failures…
And I am enough.
I am just as I was always was,
and just as I was meant to be.
I am enough.
I AM LOVE.
The Write Place at the Right Time
A Notebook, a Pen and an Ant
Yesterday my soul-friend Jeanie and I had a big conversation about what she does,
and what I do, and how we can help each other in our side gigs.
But either way, we will still love each other as amazing friends.
Jeanie is a life coach, and yes, really amazing. For real.
She calls it like she sees it. No B.S.
So yesterday she took me through a meditation called TURPA.
I’ll let her tell you about it sometime, if she wants to.
Anyway, the meditation helped me imaginatively put my past in the past, put roots beneath my feet, placed sentinel angels to support me on both sides, and now new growth is forming in front of me.
It was amazing.
But then, Jeanie is like that.
This morning on FB Messenger Jeanie sent me a link to a song. She was dancing around her kitchen singing and wanted to share.
“My Soul is Welcome Here”… https://youtu.be/l0lvm9MtblE
Me: “Somehow you knew I needed this.”
Jeanie: “Isn’t that great?”
I turned it up and listened over and over again while I cleared out old emails. It made me feel peppy.
For a while. Until it eventually it didn’t. Suddenly it was all too loud.
I turned off the music and hopped back over to Messenger.
Jeanie was still there.
About my schedule for the next weeks. Stuff I promised to do, but blah blah blah.
There can be such a thing as too much focus on healing stuff.
I just want to get on with living life again, being creative and feeling free.”
“Ah yes, Grasshopper,” says Jeanie.
“Think about what you just said. I agree that we can get so wrapped up in all these healing modalities that we forget to live our own lives. Go back and read what you just said about get on with living life again, being creative and feeling free. And ask yourself, ‘If not now, when?”
Me: “Now. But WHAT? One trainer says to choose an expression – like if you want to create something, think first about what you want other to feel when they see your creation.”
Jeanie: “I disagree. That is creating with an eye to the audience. Not authentic. We are not in charge of what other people feel when they see what we have done. I sincerely think that is a cop out. The only thing that is important is how we feel.”
Me: “But if we only focus on what WE feel – then are our efforts wasted because we do not touch other’s hearts? Life is to be shared.”
Jeanie: “We are not in charge if somebody else feels touched. When we are in touch with our own feelings, then and only then do we have something to share.”
Me: “What if the feeling is… confusion… frozen… deer in the headlights? That is not free and joyful.”
Jeanie: “There is a guy who has written a book about breaking free from the self-help addiction. At first, it sounds really good, but when you look deeper, he has a whole series of videos and workshops and books all about… yep, you guessed it… Self Help.”
Jeanie: “Your feelings of confusion, frozen deer in the headlights, etc. come from when you are trying to project something onto somebody else. That’s inauthentic.”
“Just stop and ask yourself honestly, ‘How does this make me feel?’ and if it makes you feel good, do more of that. If it makes you feel afraid, stuck, frozen, unsure, then don’t’ do it. Honestly, I am to the point when I consider doing something, I check in with myself and if I do not get a resounding ‘hell yes’ then I don’t’ do it. It never fails.”
Me: “I wonder if Ii have lost the ability to get a hell yes.”
Jeanie: “You have just gotten out of the habit. For some reason, you have not allowed yourself that privilege recently. And that comes with thinking you must create with an eye to the audience, such as what’s in Vogue right now? What are people buying? What will people think?”
Me: ”True. I shut myself down in the last few years with all the economic changes we’ve been through.
I used to value myself only on what other people think of me. Maybe I am still doing that.”
Jeanie: “I’m picking up that this latest healing thing you are doing is not bringing you a lot of joy. I don’t sense any freedom coming from this.”
Me: “It felt wonderfully comforting at first. I needed it. It has helped immensely with my personal connection to Source.”
Jeanie: “Pay attention. Those statements are all related to the past.”
Me: “Yes. But who am I NOW?”
Jeanie: “OMG… seriously do I have to come up there and beat your skinny butt?”
Me: “Hahaha. I sure love you.”
Jeanie: “You are an amazing creative being. But don’t take my word for it… you know it’s true.”
Me: “But what in Heaven’s name am I to be creating now? The old stuff doesn’t work. My businesses closed. Our real estate crashed. Trying to sell anything to anybody is not my forte’.”
Jeanie: “It’s not about trying to sell something. It’s becoming seriously magnetic to others who need your help.”
Me:“Ok. Lovely ego of mine – old habits die hard. I’m needing a change of focus and just don’t know which way to turn.”
Jeanie: “Do you remember I asked you to keep an Evidence Journal? I really believe that this overwhelm around continual study around healing is evidence of the shift you’ve already made. It’s what I call ‘proof of land’. After the flood, Noah sent out a couple of ravens and they never came back. Then he sent out a dove which came back with an olive branch in its mouth. Noah couldn’t see land, but he knew it was proof of land.”
“Your realization today is proof of land. The old ways of being no longer work, including the self-sabotaging hateful voice that tries to keep sitting you in a corner. I’m serious Jo Lyn. What brings you the greatest amount of joy? Writing? Being outside? Singing?”
Jeanie: “I knew it. So now you have permission to write.
Me: “When I was a young mother, I would wake up with whole novels in my head – characters, plot, setting, the works. But I didn’t have time to write them down. Now, that doesn’t happen any more.”
Jeanie: “Okay. My sweet man will be home for lunch in 3 minutes. Here’s your quick assignment.”
“Take three objects out of your house and sit them in front of you and write a quick story around them. They can be anything… a box of raisins, and old mug, a plant… doesn’t matter. Send me a picture of the objects and the short story you write about it. It’s called a story generator. Ready Set Go! …And have fun doing it!”
A Story Generator
Raisins. Mug. Plant.
I looked around. What is in my house? I imagine going into my kitchen. I don’t spend much time there anymore. What do I do? What is in my house that is meaningful to me, that could inspire a story?
I see my computer keyboard. My cell phone. The computer mouse. A pen.
An ant crawling along the edge of the scraggly old spiral notebook I’ve been scribbling in.
One of these things is not like the others.
The ant doesn’t belong here.
Raisins. Mug. Plant.
My mind starts to whirr….
Then comes to a stop.
Dear Heavenly Father.
Please help me do this ONE thing.
Help me do this ONE thing…
That I can do… just for me…
…in the next hour.
The thought flashed through my mind that I never take time to really listen to my own heart.
I’m focused on all this healing stuff, with webinars and social media and email.
I’ve created busyness in place of business.
It’s all a lot of noise.
A lot of buzz.
I’m alone in this house most of the day until my own sweetheart comes home…
but I don’t give myself the luxury of doing the one thing I enjoy doing.
I don’t give myself permission to write, just for me, just for fun.
I’m still trying to obey that misconceived directive from childhood, that I am not allowed to play until the work is done. My father used to say I couldn’t play until the work was done.
It took me years to realize that to him, work had to be hard to be valuable, and that work is never done.
So in my poor little pea-picking brain, I believe that I am not allowed to do what I enjoy.
Jeanie just gave me permission.
And she doesn’t take no for an answer.
I clicked the X to close the internet browser.
Suddenly there was silence.
Silence so thick that it throbbed.
I looked down at the mess on my desk…
the spiral notebook and pen…
a tiny black ant crawled along it’s edge.
The ant was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Too insignificant to survive in this environment.
He was trying really hard to walk the edge in a world that was not designed for him.
Trying to fit in with the paper and pen.
So sorry you are not the right place at the right time.
So sorry you don’t know who you really are.
So sorry you don’t know that you have permission now to know yourself, and to be free.
So sorry the stories no longer come easily…
But really, you are.
You are in the write place…
At the right time.
Thank you, Jeanie!!