I Have Value as a Human Being

I Have Value as a Human Being

We’ve been contemplating our post-retirement move – which quickly became an adventure in house hunting. Not being as physically strong and capable as in years past, one of the thoughts that kept coming up for me was: “Who am I to have a house of my own?”, and “I have no value as a human being, what makes me think it is okay to have a house?”

Self-deprecating thoughts are, of course, self-defeating. Negative thoughts bring up deeply held emotions of shame, self-loathing, guilt for taking up space in the world, hopelessness, and an explicable self-limiting belief that something is intrinsically wrong with me.

Why do some people grow up with an innate sense of well-being, and others grow up emotionally insecure? 

The answer to that is finally coming to light for me. Studying the latest research by leading scientists and therapists in trauma healing, I have a name for an underlying reason for my struggles with low self-esteem, and my continual need to study all things “holistic healing”.  That name is “Developmental Trauma Disorder” – a term coined by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and his peers, as explained in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”. Understanding that in our earliest years, we create a perceptual map of what the world is like (safe vs unsafe), and that these deep subconscious beliefs drive our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and even abilities as we go through life… is enlightening.

For years, I’ve sensed that not everything is the way I perceive it to be. For decades, I held onto specific hurtful and confusing events from childhood as “evidence” that there was something wrong with me. Now I know that how my psyche shaped those internal perceptions was simply a result of my early childhood experiences. There’s nothing “wrong” with me as a human being. I’m not an unwanted piece of trash. For me, my developmental trauma was mostly based on my impression, at birth, that they were disappointed in me because I was a girl instead of a boy. They had no idea how that affected my sense of self worth… but here I am decades later – telling you about it – so it was not something I could “just get over”. Being a helpless, impressionable infant, my immature neurological system believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me… and I was therefore at risk of not being safe in the world. I couldn’t simply “become a boy”… so I worked really hard to fit in and be significant in my family… thus ensuring my survival… but always felt an underlying sense of “not being enough”. And until my recent studies, I didn’t have the words to explain it.

So why am I sharing this “deep, dark inner secret” about my own mixed up psyche? 
Why would I tell anyone about feeling worthless and undeserving as a human being?
Because last night, in meditation, I was able to clear (release and resolve) that old perceptual belief.
And that frees me to heal… to see myself as healthy… a fully embodied soul… capable, resilient, and whole.
And if I can do it… then maybe this will help someone else who suffers from DTD…

In my bed, I struggle to sleep. Failing that, I begin meditation. Knowing about Developmental Trauma Disorder gives me a greater understanding of the source of my decades of low self-esteem, I began working through my meditative question and answer process:
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…
Is this lack of value a divine truth? No…
Is this lack of value a belief? Yes…
Is this an ancestral belief? No… 
Is this a collective belief? No… 
Is this my own belief? Yes…
Is this a conscious belief? No… 
Is this a subconscious belief? Yes… 
I have value as a human being. No…”
Pausing, I feel the self-defeating belief deeply in my belly… visualizing the branches of my unmyelinated dorsal vagus nerve enmeshed throughout my visceral organs. The vagus nerve is directly connected to the limbic, reptilian part of my brain – the fight/flight/freeze command center – which was all I had to work with as an infant.
Tears flow from my eyes, running silently down the sides of my face, wetting my ears and my pillow. I couldn’t have known then, that just because they wanted a boy, did not mean that there was something wrong with me.
“I forgive myself for not knowing.
I forgive myself for being a baby when I was a baby.
I forgive them and myself for being human.
Can I clear this subconscious belief? Yes…
Do I know how to do it? Yes… “
Hands on my heart, I being tapping gently, intentionally…
“Clearing lack of value as a human being.
Releasing lack of value as a human being.
Resolving this developmental traumatic perception of lack of value as a human being.”
Tapping, clearing, releasing, resolving….
Sighing deeply, I feel the tendons and ligaments in my hip relax to a new level.
The decades old, unfinished fight/flight energy associated with feeling unsafe is allowed to process.
My hips and legs begin slight movements, which I recognize as completion movements related to flight…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…”
Smiling, I continue…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes… 
I have value as a human being. Yes…
I create and share value with the world. Yes…
I am supported as I create and share value with others. Yes… 
I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes… 
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.”

Now… I can go house hunting and feel great about it!

Our Eternal Family Circle

Our Eternal Family Circle

Our Eternal Family Circle

In the wee hours of the morning
I awoke
And the questions came…

Are there offensive entities attacking our family?
Yes…

Long story short,
I used the process I learned in the Temple
And in The Body Code
And my Sacred Spiritual Gifts
And cast these offensive energies,
Evil spirits, curses, and saboteurs
Away from us and to the light
Where they are accountable before God.

I asked that sentinel Angels stand guard around us,
protecting us from evil influences…

And downloaded more light and love from God
To fill all the quantum spaces where they had been hiding…

So who were they, and what were they trying to do?
They were Legions of Evil Spirits…
Trying to stop us from loving one another…
Trying to break up the love and the joy we feel in our family…

Some came through the cracks of broken relationships…
Mistakes, hurt feelings, personal struggles and fears…
Expanding the distances between our hearts through pride in its many forms.

Others jump to us or attach to the auras around us
From neighbors houses….
From workplaces…
From any place they can leap from…
Heckling and mocking…
At the chance to destroy an otherwise eternal family….
All with the desire to stop us from loving one another.

Blessedly, in my meditative work,
I recognize the offensive infestations and send them to the Light,
To be accountable before God.
Sometimes I weary in this well doing…
But I manage to keep going as-long-as is needed….

Are they gone?
Yes
Did they go to the Light?
Yes.
Can I rest now?
Yes

This quiet battle is over…
But the war still wages on…
And our eternal happiness together will be the prize if we can win….

Inside our own family is the key to our salvation.
Can we lay down our pride
And misunderstandings
And fears…

And pick up the olive branch of forgiveness
And kindness
And trust…

And just love one another?
Let us seek to heal our wounds from the inside out…
To stop resisting the lessons life shows us daily
And open to allowing a greater measure of
The Pure Love of Christ,
The Blessings from God the Father
and The Whispering of the Holy Spirit
To permeate our souls with joy…
And kindness…
Repentance…
Forgiveness…
And Love.

Look within.
Seek the Light.
Love One Another.

Sending each of us bounteous blessings of Love…
From Me…
And from our Guardian Angels
(Those who wake me up to do this work).

Love One Another

SoulTalk Meditations

SoulTalk Meditations

Soul Talk Meditations

SoulTalk meditations dig deep into the past
Discovering myriads of inherited ancestral sorrows…
Opening a Pandora’s Box of anguish experienced by generations past…
Echoing, unresolved, compounded through the ages…
Resonating through time, dimension, space and reality…
Twisting our current mortal reality with ancient echos of hidden pains…
Troubling us with fears and insecurities,
Clouding our dreams and blocking our growth.
Discovering the raw pain of the human condition.

Why seek I this path of sorrows?
Why do I walk again these painful roads?
Why open these gates of despair and horror,
Hidden humiliation, pride, shame, shock, worthlessness and more…
Exposing anew the old vulnerabilities, despairs and heartaches?
Why not leave this mess hidden in the past?
Why not let the dead stay buried?

Blame love.
Love brought me to this place of compound sorrows.
Blessed with my own mortal travesty,
Defeated, lost and broken, I asked,
“Can I come home now?”
“No, said Death.
You’re not allowed” and stepped aside.
Divine Light found a window…
Compassion touched my forlorn heart
And said that faith could make me whole.
That there is more that I am meant to do
Among the souls of men.

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…”
“See that ye take care of these sacred things…”
I read the words.
The Spirit whispers.
And I have learned to listen.

SoulTalk.
Prayerful, meditative communion with God,
The Great Creator of All Things.
The Master Healer.
“See that ye look to God and live.”

Sacred Gifts.
The gift of healing.
The gift of intercessory prayer.
The gift of empathy.
The gift of writing.
The gift of soul connection.
The gift of hope.
The gift of Love.
The gift of joy.

The frailties and transient pains of my own body reveal
The anguished cries of souls long dead…
They cry out from the dust,
Trapped in the terror of unbelief from ages past,
When the Light withdrew,
Leaving them alone,
Bereft,
Subject to the ravages of darkness, violence and force
Of the centuries in which they lived.

I feel them.
Connected in the wee hours of the morning
I feel the spirit speak.
I ask, and the discovery charts reveal the issues ready to be released…
Do I need to know what it is?
Do I need to know where it came from?
Do I need to know how many felt this?
Can I clear this now?
I send all to the Light of God
Where the sorrows are transmuted,
Where souls are received by Angels
And guided to their next level of progression.

Once cleared, then comes a still-point moment between moments,
A quantum resting where the energies shift and settle
To a new level of perception.
A freedom from the past.
A deep breath of clarity.
And a new beginning.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
It has only just begun.

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