Clearing Deep Resentments
I received a compassion session from my Compassion Key partner, in which I uncovered deep resentments toward my father that I had never cleared, in all these years of healing work.
It was not a fun session for me.
I didn’t want to face the truth that I could never be fully healed
until I resolved this issue of resentment and unwillingness to forgive.
The issues are generations old, passed down from one to another.
I didn’t realize the greater fault was mine, in refusing to release the resentments.
I had been guarding my feelings for so long, that I externalized the blame.
I didn’t wake up to the understanding that the power of healing was within me all along….
As a small child I loved and revered my father,
even though he prized his boys and disregarded his girls.
As a teen, I became disillusioned, rebellious, frustrated and quite bitter toward him.
As a young adult, in an effort toward emotional self preservation,
I distanced myself from his authoritative, scarcity mindedness
and his “my way or the highway” attitudes.
It became easy to blame my problems on his less-than-perfect parenting.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
He couldn’t say kind or encouraging words to me.
Our energy styles are polar opposites.
He could only understand the world and other people through his own filters…
and the same could be said of me.
Though I was born of him, his inner world was totally different than mine.
Mid life I recognized my father was simply human,
and it was unrealistic to expect him to meet my old idealistic perception of perfection.
As he aged I realized I could never change him.
But more than ever, I found it difficult to be around him.
I felt that his heavy abrasiveness overpowered the natural light of my soul.
Regardless of how I tried to share what was in my heart,
he seemed unwilling or unable to understand.
I continued to hold my self-protective grudges,
unwittingly stuck in my emotional past,
just as he was stuck in his.
I kept trying through the years to show my love.
Truth be, I suppose I was also seeking his approval.
When their health failed and they wanted to stay in their home,
I remodeled it and installed a kitchen at my own expense so they could have one-level living.When it was no longer safe for them to stay home alone together,
and having people in to help was too stressful,
I drove Dad around town looking for options.
He didn’t want to get into my car, because it was a Cadillac.
He said “Someone would see him in that car and come steal all his money.”No matter that I had proven myself financially enough to be able to help them,
he could not, and would not, accept my offerings.
All I wanted was genuine acknowledgement of shared love.
But it was not forthcoming.
I gave up and began “dodging the bullet” of pain.
I stopped trying to get him to love me.
Because he was my father, and for the sake of my mother,
for all those years, I tolerated him.
I accepted that he had his own coping mechanisms,
and was incapable of expressing love to me in a way I could understand.
He viewed emotions as weakness,
insisting that I use my head and not my heart,
to ensure survival and success in this world.
That counsel caused me great confusion,
because I knew I was all heart.
Thus, I was incapable of meeting his expectations.
He was the authority in my childhood world.
I developed an adverse attitude toward authority in my adult world.
The stress of these inner conflicts and misperceptions contributed to my health meltdown, eventually leading me to a journey of holistic healing.
I attempted to share these new perceptions with my parents.
But because this new learning dealt with emotions,
and emotions were to be feared and disregarded as unimportant,
even though my teachers had worldly authority as doctors,
my new perspectives were promptly and summarily dismissed.
“Poppycock!” was the word.
A few weeks after my father passed in 2012, his spirit spoke to me.
“I’m beginning to understand now. I want to know more,” he said.
But I was bone-deep angry.
“You waited too long,” I said, dismissing him. “You’ll have to wait until I’m ready.”
I continued on my path of learning healing modalities.
For the next six months, I’d get random sharp pains in my right shoulder. Muscle testing and emotional healing work revealed that this was my father, commanding my attention toward something he wanted cleared, either for himself or for his ancestors, often for his mother. I would do the energy healing work and my shoulder pain would dissipate.
Eventually, the shoulder pains ceased altogether, and the patterns of empathic pain shifted to different areas. Prompted by physical pain, I cleared hundreds of thousands of ancestral emotions using various healing modalities in the next few years. As I expanded my understanding, I became quite skilled in this ancestral healing work and in getting the energies to move.
Still, my health and wealth issues continued. I remained weaker and heavier than expected. Often off balance. And I experienced random sharp pain in different parts of my body.
Blessedly, the pain could always be cleared through energy work. Blessedly, our finances improved somewhat. Most importantly, I chose to focus on being more aligned with the Spirit, and found great comfort and peace through meditation and prayer..
Mother came to live with us last year, at age 94. She would often wonder out loud why she was still here in this world, and I would tell her she was “here for the love of it.”
Sometimes she would wish she could die, but say she didn’t know how.
I would tell her I didn’t know how either, but if she figured it out, to go ahead and go to the other side… that when she did manage it, I would miss her terribly, but I would understand.
Once I told her that maybe dying is not something that you actively do, but perhaps it is something you allow. Maybe it is more of a simple “letting go”.
My body picked up on Mother’s energies, usually in the form of knee pain or chronic left hip pain.
I could get these to simply go away by doing the energy work. Curious, Mother read my energy medicine books and requested for me to do healing sessions with her and for her.
I explained that this energy I work with intersects the body and the spirit.Move the energy – get it unstuck – and the body’s natural healing processes can balance out.
The body is programmed for healing and our souls are programmed for wholeness.
Energy Medicine work is simply the practice of gently shifting the energies so the body, mind and spirit become free to do what they are meant to do… to support our soul’s highest expression here in form.Healing together became our constant practice… day and night.
Mother would tell me hurts and sorrows she held from years long past.
I would apply my energy healing modalities to the issues, and release them from her, from me, from all who experienced or were affected by them, and all who inherited them. Mother would tell visitors that I kept her out of the doctor’s office, because her aches and pains would go away when I did the energy work.
Mother passed away a few weeks ago.
She got her wish of simply going to sleep at home, in her own bed, surrounded by family, and just waking up on the other side.
I do miss her terribly, though I do understand she wanted to go.
Her spirit is free now.
She is with those she loves, those who went before.I miss our open, frank conversations.
I miss our expressions of loving kindness and consideration.
i miss her wit and humor.
i miss being able to show her my love through small daily, thoughtful actions.
I miss seeing her express the beauty of her soul through her beautiful cross stitch needlework.
I miss her presence in our home.Healing modalities and self-directed compassion are essential comfort measures for me. As the waves of grief subside, I notice that my chronic aches and pains are also subsiding.
But there remain some issues that are not yet fully resolved in my physical reality.
I notice that I miss my Mother in ways I never missed my Father.
For far too long, I have been busy resenting him for all my childhood hurts and misperceptions…
Too conveniently blaming him for my difficulties with relationships,
for my struggles in not knowing how to feel whole and connected and on purpose in the world.
Some of that was true during my childhood.
But as an adult, it is my responsibility to face my own truths and move beyond the past.
My problem was, until I learned energy healing work, I didn’t know how to move on.
I continue to participate in Compassion Key trainings, giving and receiving sessions.
I thought I had my emotions all handled…
I thought I had cleared all those old childhood issues by just putting them behind me…
until last week’s Circle Compassion session with my partner, Janet Charette.
As the session commenced, we began with a recap of our previous session which had been for her. Then she said it was my turn.
And thus began a conversation.
STUFF from childhood came up. It angered me.
“I thought I had cleared up all this stuff long ago,” I wailed.
“Why does it keep coming up and slamming me in the face, again and again?
When will this ever end!?
Do I have to die to let it all go?!”
Clearly, my resentment had surfaced.
The conversation triggered my old hurts.
That’s a signal that there is something that is ready to be cleared.“Ah”, said Janet. “Your father is who you need to put into the Circle of Light.”
I didn’t want to face it.
I didn’t want to face him.
I felt the effort would be futile.
I didn’t want to forgive.
I wanted to hold onto my resentments.
I didn’t want to bring up old hurts.
Because no matter what I ever accomplished,
he would never change toward me.
He could never appreciate me for who I really am.
I am a girl, and I am all heart, and his heart is closed to me.
I could never meet his expectations when he was alive,
so I knew I could not meet them now that he is dead.
I could never be a boy. He had five boys already.
Why could he not be happy to have girls, too?
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being not enough.
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being expected to clean up after him and the boys.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of being disregarded
and even disrespected and used as a workhorse because I was a girl.
I didn’t want to dredge up those old feelings of being unimportant.
I didn’t want to again go through the pain of being dismissed by him.
Fearing that his negative energies would bully and oppress
my natural lightness as it had in the past,
I resisted putting him in a circle of light.
It was far easier to dismiss him than take the risk and invite him in.
I knew I couldn’t change him. And I couldn’t change me.
For decades, running away had been my only salvation.
But Janet lovingly insisted.
“Will you allow me to help direct you to give yourself some self-compassion?”
And she held the space energetically for me so I felt safe.
So I imagined creating a circle of divine, golden light.
Envisioning him in that circle kept me safe from him, and him safe from me.
Then Janet dug deep with the compassion phrases, saying that as long as I keep him on the hook, there is lots of stuff I don’t have to face yet.
Oh my! My mind indexed on her comment as we progressed with the session.
Could this hook of old resentment be the truth I was side-stepping in all these years of holistic healing work? Could clearing these old resentments be the key to opening the door I’d been knocking on for so long? The key to stepping into a new way of being? A key to authentic wholeness? Is THIS why I still have nagging health and wealth issues?
Every so often, she told me to check into the circle and look at my father,
to see what he was doing.
I would prefer not to look, but I glanced over at the circle of light.
He was just standing there, alone.
I could see his confusion.
He didn’t know what he was doing in the circle.
There was nothing in the circle but him, alone.
Nothing to do.
No weeds to pull.
Nothing to be acted upon.
Nothing to be controlled or manipulated.
No act of service to perform.
Looking around wondering what to do.
“So sorry if you stop hating your dad, you’ll be at loose ends.
So sorry you won’t know what to do with yourself.”
Janet continued with the phrases, mirroring my thoughts with words.
Yes, I was triggered in the process.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, my face crinkled up as tears rolled down my face.
Yes, I blew my nose.
Janet continued to hold the space for me.
We checked into the circle again.
My father was flying a kite, totally unaware of my fears.
More digging deep.
More releasing of old hurts.
“I just want this all to be done!”
“It will be done when you choose that it is done.
When you have released all the resentments,
and your soul is clear, then it is done.
The timing is all up to you.”
We checked into the circle again.
Empty. He was gone.
Gone to fly a kite with his brother.
And that was it.
I didn’t die by encircling him in Divine Light.
I acknowledged my fears and resentments,
releasing them through the power of compassion,
Then I had another thought, which brought up another fear.
I have spent decades motivated by these fears
of not measuring up, of not being enough,
of not being worthy of mention or attention… or of love…
of having to prove that girls are just as valuable as boys…
And now that scarcity motivation is gone,
now that I have cleared these resentments, who am I?
What am I? What can I do? How do I be me?
“So sorry you don’t know who you are.”
“So sorry you don’t know how to be the new you.”
In compassion for my plight, Janet put on her Theta Healing hat
and connected with Divine Source on my behalf.
With my permission, she asked that the old contract be marked complete
on the genetic, core and soul levels, releasing of the obligation to re-pattern the lesson,
to release everyone in the world from showing up to re-teach me that lesson…
Forgiveness was expressed.
Permissions for fun and joy and love were given…
She requested and witnessed The Great Creator of All Things
lifting from me the fear and the pain,
and giving me the Creator’s perspective of how
to be in joy and choose from love,
and to know my purpose again…
Teaching me that when I am being on purpose I feel light.
Teaching me that if something feels heavy, to not choose it.
Choose to let go of all I am not.
If it is not light it is a lie.
To feel the joy in my human body…
If I have something in my heart… to let it out.
To become a conscious co-creator…
To follow my heart and express what is in it…
Whatever is the fullest expression of my soul’s light…
Whatever gives me joy and expresses my joy…
To be in my own creation, not attempting to fit myself into someone else’s expectation…
To not attempt to fill my perception of someone else’s expectation…
To not be “hell bent” on proving them right…
When I am doing the best I can in my sweet zone…
When I am doing what brings my heart joy…
That is when I am on purpose…
Happiness is wanting what I get.
Success is not what I expected.
I am allowed to be surprised by life and love and joy.
How much joy can I stand?
How much happiness can I handle?
How much money can I receive?
How many lives can I change?
Ask for that feeling. How it shows up is God’s business.
Then you will want to HAVE a life.
The more you live in the feeling you want,
The more you ramp up how much you can receive.
We always get what we want.
We don’t always know why we want it.
Often we create either too much of what we don’t want,
Or not enough of what we do want.
But now, having released all the old fears and resentments,
I can now have what I want.
I can now create what I want.
I don’t have to die to achieve it.
I can be loved, even cherished.
I can care without criticism.
I can love others unconditionally.
I can express myself without fear.
I can love without judgment.
I can live an inspired life.
I can feel aligned with The Great Creator.
I can have what I want in a healthy body.
I can contribute in meaningful ways.
I can go where I want to go.
I can live how I want to live.
Not the session I expected.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, It is done, It is done.
In this Morning Exercise for Day 4 of my 28 Day Gratitude Practice, in counting my blessings, I discover I am extremely grateful that I can feel Divine Love.
10 things I am grateful for today.
1. An increase in Divine Connection as the Spirit witnesses quietly to me when I am in alignment with truth. This is just one example of infinite, Divine Love. I felt it in great measure yesterday in church, after braving the icy roads to attend. The simple act of attending a church service with the intent to connect with God seems to be like a reset button – clearing away the cares of the past week and bringing balance and renewed energy for the next.
2. Gratitude for the beautiful souls and constant kindnesses of the people in my life.
3. Birds playing in the snow. They remind me that live continues, whatever the season we are in.
4. The crisp stillness of cold winter air…
5. Ginger Cookies – gluten free, of course.
6. Grandma’s “Christmas Drink” recipe – Cinnamon, Nutmeg, and Cloves in a blend of Apple Cider, Orange Juice, and Lemonaide mixed well and warmed with fond memories of Winters Past…
7. Electric appliances like clothes washers, dryers, refrigerators, freezers, stoves and more… these modern conveniences afford me the time luxury of being introspective.
8. Beauty, symmetry, variety and randomness.
9. Music. There’s always a song in my head and in my heart…
10. Hope. Hope that today will be a beautiful day, inside and out. Hope for more soul satisfying experiences and a continuation of Divine Love.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.
Jo Lyn Cornelsen
“Inside Out” – by Jo Lyn Cornelsen
“Who Am I?
I am ego + spirit + mind + body + thoughts + feelings + more…
So much more… this Soul of Me….
All facets of being me in this physical world are good
and are needed to live purposefully in this world of contrast.
Endeavoring anew to ‘let go and let God’.
Relaxing into awareness and allowing life to teach me…
Measuring success by levels of learning and loving.
This morning I asked God to help me shed my worldly concerns
and live more intuitively in ease and joy.
Immediately I was gifted a mental image of myself
with my fingertips atop my head,
pulling open what appeared to be a whole-body case or shell,
stepping out and away from the stiffness of its form…
The inside is out, and I am free.
Time to open these new wings.”
– Jo Lyn Cornelsen
I share this sacred “Inside Out” poem as an example of one of the astounding personal insights I received during one of my Morning SoulTalk Sessions. The SoulTalk process emerged as my own holistic healing method while I was actively enrolled and practicing Carol Tuttle’s “Soulprint Healing for Affluence” course offered by MindValley in 2015. I now teach my SoulTalk process to my holistic healing coaching students.
SoulTalk is a structured process designed to be used in personal meditation, as a tool for the truth seeker to increase their own insight and awareness into their inner patterns and perceptions. Full completion of each SoulTalk meditative session can increase mind/body/spirit relaxation and self acceptance, empowering the individual in to show up in the world in a more soul satisfying way.
Want to learn SoulTalk for yourself? Check out my Programs page to learn how Transitional Coaching can more easily and effectively help you get from where you are to where you want to be….
Emotions as Teachers
I grew up with the generational belief that emotions were not to be trusted.
As a young teen I was specifically counseled to use my head and not my heart,
by someone who, I now realize, did not know how to harness his own emotions
and express them in positive ways.
I have since learned that emotions are powerful, sacred tools of creation.
I find joy in exploring the messages they bring me.
In this perspective, emotions are my teachers.
Our daily life experiences bring up emotions that teach us – if we are open to the lessons.
Here’s a new insight for me:
My husband is currently commuting during the week to his job… gone for 5 days at a time. Yesterday I felt particularly lonely. My muscle testing process revealed it was my own emotion… not generational… and not related specifically to my husband being away from home.
That was a puzzle…
Until this morning’s SoulTalk … when it was revealed to me that I had associated the emotion of being lonely with old age… somewhere along the way I picked up and held onto the false belief that being old was equal to being lonely. I used my clearing process to let go of that incorrect subconscious belief and the associated emotion of loneliness right away.
I intend to live joyfully all the rest of my days… comfortable and happy when I am in the company of others, and comfortable and happy when I am alone. I would not have even become aware of that unconscious incorrect association if my husband was not away for several days each week.
I am grateful for new insights and the skills and ability to heal holistically…
This personal power to grow and change helps me feel loved by God and the Universe…
Thank you for listening…
It is done, it is done, it is done.