Review of my website dashboard revealed this post from a couple years ago… I wrote it, but held too much fear and pain in my heart to publish it at that time. I’ve grown since then… but it still may have value to those working through similar processes. Sending love and blessings for your journey…
Scarcity and Abundance – Patterns of Perception and Response
Growing up in a family with a predominate viewpoint of scarcity was certainly a challenge – but also a blessing. My family taught me how to work – how to be industrious and creative in solving problems of daily life. But looking over my mother’s shoulder as she struggled to pay the monthly bills also taught me that money was something always in short supply. I determined early on that if I wanted to have anything in this world, I would need to work for it – and I did so with great strength, courage and enthusiasm. I held the certainty and hope that hard work would bring me things I wanted to have and a certain amount of worldly riches, or at least enough resources for basic support and comfort.
Growing up in a family with a religious heritage was also a challenge – and a blessing. I seemed to come into this world with my own strong sense of the worth of souls and the value of service to others. The religious training I received from being raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has supported my deep sense of spirituality and added depth and richness to all of my life experiences.
But there were also inner conflicts aplenty, which seem to have originated from habitual family patterns of reacting to life challenges from a perspective of fear and scarcity rather than responding from a space of love and abundance.
Therein lies my quest – to honor and appreciate the goodness of my family heritage and to release and let go of old patterns and perceptions that have kept me stuck for years in scarcity and pain.
I cannot tell the whole story of my journey to a life of generosity and abundance in one blog post. But I can share one small episode as an example.
Recently, I became aware that someone I cared about was resentful of us. It appeared that he had the impression that we were “rolling in the dough”, but wouldn’t help him in his financial trials. He had no clue that we were going through the same economic storm as everyone else we knew – and not faring very well.
When I learned of his opinion, I was triggered. My anger flared dramatically. I was immediately offended that he set himself up to judge us as unworthy of affluence. He had no true knowledge of our efforts to grow and expand beyond who we were and try to become “successful”, only to see it all wiped away during the economic downturn, and have to start all over again.
My husband saw how the conversation triggered me. He touched my arm lovingly, and whispered in my ear that the conversation was not meant to hurt either of us, but just to be an opening for improved communication. I grew silent and kept the rest of my thoughts to myself as I realized that the real problem was my emotional flare – something in me was definitely triggered by this conversation.
My thought process:
What is the real reason for this person’s resentment?
Have I actually caused him any harm? No.
It appears that our offense was to work hard to try to overcome scarcity mentality.
We were successful for a while, then seemingly, not.
All our hard work did not “pay off” and bring us “riches” as we had been taught as children that it would…
At least, not for the the long term.
But even then, why would this person be angry if we did achieve “success”?
Isn’t that what we all were encouraged to work toward?
And even deeper than that, why did his opinion even matter?
Why was I triggered emotionally?
Trying to make sense of what was going on inside my own psyche, I turned to The Body Code app and began using my muscle testing skills to discover some deeper answers.
“Is there an underlying reason for this flare of anger?
The Body Code led me to Energies > Post Traumatic > Inflammation
Underlying the inflammation energy were twin causes, 1) an addictive heart energy and 2) an energy of parasitic pathogens.
My intuition kicked in, and I muscle tested further, verifying the thoughts and memories that flooded into my consciousness.
The inflammation and parasitic energy were intertwined, and related to the perception of never-ending scarcity.
My scarcity beliefs began with an addictive heart energy inherited from my mother before I was born. Mother evidently experienced some kind of deprivation and fear while she was carrying me, and that energy was passed on to me at my birth. This distorted belief was then proven “true” by early childhood experiences (ask me some time about “Life Savers vs Tootsie Rolls”), and later childhood experiences of never enough money and not being deserving of receiving or spending money. I also discovered a deeper and darker sub-conscious belief that my very existence was not a blessing to my parents, but instead, that I was perceived as a burden, physically and financially. I believed myself to be a financial parasite to my parents – an “unprofitable servant” so to speak. Hence, my addictive heart energy of feeling desperate for love, my willingness to do anything anyone asked of me even if it was harmful to me, and the underlying belief of being undeserving and worthless. Oh, how I groan as I see how these negative patterns have played out in my life!
Even while I have been successful in many things, these and other inner conflicts have held me back from becoming all I can be. Sigh…
Let me be clear about one thing.
My parents never consciously intended for me to be hurt, or to cause any inner conflicts. I think they wanted me to be rich and happy, and while they taught me how to work, they didn’t truly believe I could ever really achieve anything substantial because I am a girl, and therefore in their world view, incapable of success or wealth building. I think they thought that for me to ever be rich, I would have to “marry money”.
Subsequently, I grew up with a self sabotaging psyche. I worked hard. I tried to work smart. I created a certain level of financial and business success, but not knowing how to manage during the economic meltdown, self-sabotaged myself right out of the abundance I had created. It was a nightmare to actually experience that self-fulfilling prophecy of scarcity.
Is there a real way out of this quandary of inner conflicts, self-defeating behaviors, and feeling like an unwanted vagabond on the face of the earth?
Yes, of course there is.
Everything begins with energy…
The energy of spirit…
The energy of thought…
The energy of emotion…
The energy of response…
The energy of choice…
The energy of action…
The energy of manifestation….
There is much more to share…
“Come along with me, the best is yet to be.”….
Releasing Old Resentments
I experienced a “storm” of physical pain a few days ago…
I worked on clearing as much trapped emotional energy as I could, and awoke this morning knowing someone else I needed to forgive…for their actions of harshness and disrespect toward me about 11 years ago…
which caused me excessive emotional, financial and professional pain and distress…
This was someone I trusted by virtue of a position of church authority and their medical profession…
Someone who sought me out for my professional knowledge and skills,
Who would not allow his wife to provide the needed care for his father
who was suffering from severe dementia…
(urine soaked socks in the pantry, aggravated Sundowners syndrome, packing his belonging to leave every evening, wandering away and more…)
But this man (my client’s son) thought nothing of imposing it all upon me,
as if he was doing me a favor by allowing me to slave 24/7
and expecting cut rate pricing by virtue of our church association.
Long story short…
I “made it through that rain”…
It was an experience of compassion for the client,
and of setting boundaries with someone in “authority”
(even though I was scared)
Of standing up for myself and insisting on payment…
but I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth –
great disillusionment and loss of respect for this person,
who was so greatly revered in his church position.
This occurred so long ago I thought I had cleared it.
I haven’t thought of it in years, as both they and we have moved,
and this person is no longer in my local church community.
So I thought it was gone and forgotten…
Yet apparently, resentment remained stuck in my energy field.
And this morning,
my soul revealed it to me.
I must forgive.
I don’t want to forgive.
He hurt me.
He shouldn’t have done that.
He scared me.
He was in the wrong.
He disrespected me.
He treated me abominably.
He treated me like shit.
He respected and protected his wife’s sensibilities,
but did not respect me.
He did not value my professional skills.
He was horrible to me.
I no longer respect him.
Do I have to respect him?
Have I forgiven him?
Is there any reason why should I forgive him?
For your own healing.
But I don’t know how to do it.
When I think of him I get a taste of bitter gall in my throat.
I want to vomit.
Will I feel better if I forgive him and let go of the resentments?
Has this hidden, forgotten resentment been blocking my healing?
Can I let it go now?
I’m not sure how…
Do I let it go just like I let go of any other old blocked emotion?
Ok… here goes…
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
It is done, it is done, it is done.
I got up, dressed, walked to the car, drove to the gym, did an hour of water aerobics, came home safely without struggle..
and all without pain.
If forgiveness works this well…
I shall be searching my soul for more that needs to be forgiven.
Thank you for witnessing my blessing…
Next Day’s Morning Meditation:
Shards and Shrouds…
Releasing Old Resentments yesterday opened a floodgate for more. This morning, did some basic full body presence breathing and a body scan. There were a few gentle pressures – back of my neck and top of my shoulders, and my feet and calves – that needed underlying ancestral emotions released (1 generation back – my dear sweet mother)…
Easily released by identifying and releasing the underlying trapped emotion of ancestral confusion…. many instances….
There is something else…
I intuitively scanned with my golden energy sieve and pulled out some sharp energy shards.
Do I need to know what these are?
No. Just rejoice that they are gone.
Is it time to get up now?
Great – I get to relax more and breathe.
Is there more resentment buried inside me somewhere that needs to be released?
Is there an underlying reason for it?
Do I need to know more about it?
How do I release it? Like I release other trapped emotions?
Do I polish it away with Compassion?
Do I just reach in and pull it out of me?
And give it to God?
In my mind’s eye, I imagined reaching my left hand into my soul heart space, grabbing hold of the energy of resentment, and pulling out of me…
It came out as a diaphanous grayish orb …
about 10 inches in diameter…
I opened my hand and it sat there a while on my palm….
Then it changed, shifting into a life sized, human body shape of translucent energy –
I had pulled out a whole energy shroud…
as if the resentment had resided inside me as an cognizant being… a separate entity of its own….
And then it was gone.
Just a lightness of spirit.
Did it go to you, God?
Is there more?
May I receive more of your golden divine light now?
Breathing in the light.
Now… is it time to get up?
Thank you, thank you, thank you….
Dear Soul Friends…
For letting me share my meditations with you.
A dear friend, remembering a specific childhood injustice perpetrated on herself and others,
tearfully expressed a portion of her sorrows to some trusted friends…
Who immediately responded with expressions of pure love and encouragement.
Who has not, at some time in life, felt the heartache of being misunderstood,
insecure, vulnerable, confused, misaligned, blamed, repressed, unworthy, or rejected?
What one of us has not experienced, in our mortal weakness, some measure
of pride, shame, anxiety, humiliation, abandonment, lack of support, or betrayal?
Who among us can say we have never been violated, angry, taken for granted, shocked?
Dear sweet Child of God, know that you are not alone.
Know that you are blessed.
Know that you are watched over through this veil of tears….
Angelically supported both here and on the other side.
As I read through the messages sent back to my dear friend,
I felt waves of pure love tingling through my body….
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thanking us for loving one another…
Prompting us to acknowledge and confess our sorrows and shortcomings
to ourselves and to our Great Creator…
Encouraging us to allow ourselves the experience of sitting awhile
with the emotions that come up in this process of introspection…
To then allow these feelings to dissipate and release….
To consciously create new waves of love and light…
In kindness and forgiveness and gratitude for the breath of life…
For in truth, we are all cherished Children of God…
Divine in our nature…
Visiting in this mortal reality for the purpose of soul expansion…
Learning through choice and accountability…
Seeking greater knowledge and truth…
Walking in faith, gratitude and forgiveness…
Sharing and serving…
Step by step…
Line upon line, precept on precept….
And as we learn to love more purely,
We receive a fullness of joy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is only just begun.
Our Eternal Family Circle
In the wee hours of the morning
And the questions came…
Are there offensive entities attacking our family?
Long story short,
I used the process I learned in the Temple
And in The Body Code
And my Sacred Spiritual Gifts
And cast these offensive energies,
Evil spirits, curses, and saboteurs
Away from us and to the light
Where they are accountable before God.
I asked that sentinel Angels stand guard around us,
protecting us from evil influences…
And downloaded more light and love from God
To fill all the quantum spaces where they had been hiding…
So who were they, and what were they trying to do?
They were Legions of Evil Spirits…
Trying to stop us from loving one another…
Trying to break up the love and the joy we feel in our family…
Some came through the cracks of broken relationships…
Mistakes, hurt feelings, personal struggles and fears…
Expanding the distances between our hearts through pride in its many forms.
Others jump to us or attach to the auras around us
From neighbors houses….
From any place they can leap from…
Heckling and mocking…
At the chance to destroy an otherwise eternal family….
All with the desire to stop us from loving one another.
Blessedly, in my meditative work,
I recognize the offensive infestations and send them to the Light,
To be accountable before God.
Sometimes I weary in this well doing…
But I manage to keep going as-long-as is needed….
Are they gone?
Did they go to the Light?
Can I rest now?
This quiet battle is over…
But the war still wages on…
And our eternal happiness together will be the prize if we can win….
Inside our own family is the key to our salvation.
Can we lay down our pride
And pick up the olive branch of forgiveness
And just love one another?
Let us seek to heal our wounds from the inside out…
To stop resisting the lessons life shows us daily
And open to allowing a greater measure of
The Pure Love of Christ,
The Blessings from God the Father
and The Whispering of the Holy Spirit
To permeate our souls with joy…
Seek the Light.
Love One Another.
Sending each of us bounteous blessings of Love…
And from our Guardian Angels
(Those who wake me up to do this work).
Love One Another
An Intercessory Prayer for Love and Light
In the stillness of the night
And see the widow’s face.
Torn between loyalty for her erstwhile spouse
The father of her children…
And the new love she has found in the here and now.
Her husband’s illness while in this mortal realm
Was known by very few…
And on the eve of beginning a new chapter,
She looks back through the years that brought her to this place in time,
And laments that her love was not enough buffer
To hold him steady in life’s course.
After decades of twisted highs and lows
He chose suicide to set her free…
She has moved on as they had planned, but
His spirit lingers, still stuck in dusky twilight.
Just beyond the veil,
He gazes back and questions his anguished choice to leave
Especially now as he sees she has truly turned toward another.
In the stillness of this night I am summoned to service.
These two are not my blood kin,
Just kindly friends in the Gospel of Christ.
I have no earthly permission to intercede on their behalf,
But awakened by their angels
Their faces shine clearly in my mind’s eye.
I ask if I may use the Sacred Gifts, Compassion, Healing and Intercessory Prayer
On their behalf.
The answer is YES, so
I begin the process.
Will she and her children be safe with this new love?
Is he still stuck in fear?
Is it ok for me to request the power of God’s love to heal him?
The healer in me whispers to his soul
“Turn around and face the light”.
But his sorrow is too deep to hear the message…
So I palm his head in my hands
And turn his anguished soul around
Like a mother turns the head of a child to redirect his full attention.
This breaks the hold of darkness and
He lifts his eyes,
barely daring to hope…
That the light he perceives
May perhaps be shining… for him?
His heart leaps and he steps forward,
And in that simple act of faith
The light shines brighter, beckoning…
A few more steps with arms outstretched…
He reaches and enters the light,
Tears streaming down his ruddy face as
The Resurrected Lord enfolds him in Eternal Love …
And he is welcomed,
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,
It is done, it is done, it is done.
– Jo Lyn Cornelsen