Clearing Deep Resentments
I received a compassion session from my Compassion Key partner, in which I uncovered deep resentments toward my father that I had never cleared, in all these years of healing work.
It was not a fun session for me.
I didn’t want to face the truth that I could never be fully healed
until I resolved this issue of resentment and unwillingness to forgive.
The issues are generations old, passed down from one to another.
I didn’t realize the greater fault was mine, in refusing to release the resentments.
I had been guarding my feelings for so long, that I externalized the blame.
I didn’t wake up to the understanding that the power of healing was within me all along….
As a small child I loved and revered my father,
even though he prized his boys and disregarded his girls.
As a teen, I became disillusioned, rebellious, frustrated and quite bitter toward him.
As a young adult, in an effort toward emotional self preservation,
I distanced myself from his authoritative, scarcity mindedness
and his “my way or the highway” attitudes.
It became easy to blame my problems on his less-than-perfect parenting.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
He couldn’t say kind or encouraging words to me.
Our energy styles are polar opposites.
He could only understand the world and other people through his own filters…
and the same could be said of me.
Though I was born of him, his inner world was totally different than mine.
Mid life I recognized my father was simply human,
and it was unrealistic to expect him to meet my old idealistic perception of perfection.
As he aged I realized I could never change him.
But more than ever, I found it difficult to be around him.
I felt that his heavy abrasiveness overpowered the natural light of my soul.
Regardless of how I tried to share what was in my heart,
he seemed unwilling or unable to understand.
I continued to hold my self-protective grudges,
unwittingly stuck in my emotional past,
just as he was stuck in his.
I kept trying through the years to show my love.
Truth be, I suppose I was also seeking his approval.
When their health failed and they wanted to stay in their home,
I remodeled it and installed a kitchen at my own expense so they could have one-level living.When it was no longer safe for them to stay home alone together,
and having people in to help was too stressful,
I drove Dad around town looking for options.
He didn’t want to get into my car, because it was a Cadillac.
He said “Someone would see him in that car and come steal all his money.”No matter that I had proven myself financially enough to be able to help them,
he could not, and would not, accept my offerings.
All I wanted was genuine acknowledgement of shared love.
But it was not forthcoming.
I gave up and began “dodging the bullet” of pain.
I stopped trying to get him to love me.
Because he was my father, and for the sake of my mother,
for all those years, I tolerated him.
I accepted that he had his own coping mechanisms,
and was incapable of expressing love to me in a way I could understand.
He viewed emotions as weakness,
insisting that I use my head and not my heart,
to ensure survival and success in this world.
That counsel caused me great confusion,
because I knew I was all heart.
Thus, I was incapable of meeting his expectations.
He was the authority in my childhood world.
I developed an adverse attitude toward authority in my adult world.
The stress of these inner conflicts and misperceptions contributed to my health meltdown, eventually leading me to a journey of holistic healing.
I attempted to share these new perceptions with my parents.
But because this new learning dealt with emotions,
and emotions were to be feared and disregarded as unimportant,
even though my teachers had worldly authority as doctors,
my new perspectives were promptly and summarily dismissed.
“Poppycock!” was the word.
A few weeks after my father passed in 2012, his spirit spoke to me.
“I’m beginning to understand now. I want to know more,” he said.
But I was bone-deep angry.
“You waited too long,” I said, dismissing him. “You’ll have to wait until I’m ready.”
I continued on my path of learning healing modalities.
For the next six months, I’d get random sharp pains in my right shoulder. Muscle testing and emotional healing work revealed that this was my father, commanding my attention toward something he wanted cleared, either for himself or for his ancestors, often for his mother. I would do the energy healing work and my shoulder pain would dissipate.
Eventually, the shoulder pains ceased altogether, and the patterns of empathic pain shifted to different areas. Prompted by physical pain, I cleared hundreds of thousands of ancestral emotions using various healing modalities in the next few years. As I expanded my understanding, I became quite skilled in this ancestral healing work and in getting the energies to move.
Still, my health and wealth issues continued. I remained weaker and heavier than expected. Often off balance. And I experienced random sharp pain in different parts of my body.
Blessedly, the pain could always be cleared through energy work. Blessedly, our finances improved somewhat. Most importantly, I chose to focus on being more aligned with the Spirit, and found great comfort and peace through meditation and prayer..
Mother came to live with us last year, at age 94. She would often wonder out loud why she was still here in this world, and I would tell her she was “here for the love of it.”
Sometimes she would wish she could die, but say she didn’t know how.
I would tell her I didn’t know how either, but if she figured it out, to go ahead and go to the other side… that when she did manage it, I would miss her terribly, but I would understand.
Once I told her that maybe dying is not something that you actively do, but perhaps it is something you allow. Maybe it is more of a simple “letting go”.
My body picked up on Mother’s energies, usually in the form of knee pain or chronic left hip pain.
I could get these to simply go away by doing the energy work. Curious, Mother read my energy medicine books and requested for me to do healing sessions with her and for her.
I explained that this energy I work with intersects the body and the spirit.Move the energy – get it unstuck – and the body’s natural healing processes can balance out.
The body is programmed for healing and our souls are programmed for wholeness.
Energy Medicine work is simply the practice of gently shifting the energies so the body, mind and spirit become free to do what they are meant to do… to support our soul’s highest expression here in form.Healing together became our constant practice… day and night.
Mother would tell me hurts and sorrows she held from years long past.
I would apply my energy healing modalities to the issues, and release them from her, from me, from all who experienced or were affected by them, and all who inherited them. Mother would tell visitors that I kept her out of the doctor’s office, because her aches and pains would go away when I did the energy work.
Mother passed away a few weeks ago.
She got her wish of simply going to sleep at home, in her own bed, surrounded by family, and just waking up on the other side.
I do miss her terribly, though I do understand she wanted to go.
Her spirit is free now.
She is with those she loves, those who went before.I miss our open, frank conversations.
I miss our expressions of loving kindness and consideration.
i miss her wit and humor.
i miss being able to show her my love through small daily, thoughtful actions.
I miss seeing her express the beauty of her soul through her beautiful cross stitch needlework.
I miss her presence in our home.Healing modalities and self-directed compassion are essential comfort measures for me. As the waves of grief subside, I notice that my chronic aches and pains are also subsiding.
But there remain some issues that are not yet fully resolved in my physical reality.
I notice that I miss my Mother in ways I never missed my Father.
For far too long, I have been busy resenting him for all my childhood hurts and misperceptions…
Too conveniently blaming him for my difficulties with relationships,
for my struggles in not knowing how to feel whole and connected and on purpose in the world.
Some of that was true during my childhood.
But as an adult, it is my responsibility to face my own truths and move beyond the past.
My problem was, until I learned energy healing work, I didn’t know how to move on.
I continue to participate in Compassion Key trainings, giving and receiving sessions.
I thought I had my emotions all handled…
I thought I had cleared all those old childhood issues by just putting them behind me…
until last week’s Circle Compassion session with my partner, Janet Charette.
As the session commenced, we began with a recap of our previous session which had been for her. Then she said it was my turn.
And thus began a conversation.
STUFF from childhood came up. It angered me.
“I thought I had cleared up all this stuff long ago,” I wailed.
“Why does it keep coming up and slamming me in the face, again and again?
When will this ever end!?
Do I have to die to let it all go?!”
Clearly, my resentment had surfaced.
The conversation triggered my old hurts.
That’s a signal that there is something that is ready to be cleared.“Ah”, said Janet. “Your father is who you need to put into the Circle of Light.”
I didn’t want to face it.
I didn’t want to face him.
I felt the effort would be futile.
I didn’t want to forgive.
I wanted to hold onto my resentments.
I didn’t want to bring up old hurts.
Because no matter what I ever accomplished,
he would never change toward me.
He could never appreciate me for who I really am.
I am a girl, and I am all heart, and his heart is closed to me.
I could never meet his expectations when he was alive,
so I knew I could not meet them now that he is dead.
I could never be a boy. He had five boys already.
Why could he not be happy to have girls, too?
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being not enough.
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being expected to clean up after him and the boys.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of being disregarded
and even disrespected and used as a workhorse because I was a girl.
I didn’t want to dredge up those old feelings of being unimportant.
I didn’t want to again go through the pain of being dismissed by him.
Fearing that his negative energies would bully and oppress
my natural lightness as it had in the past,
I resisted putting him in a circle of light.
It was far easier to dismiss him than take the risk and invite him in.
I knew I couldn’t change him. And I couldn’t change me.
For decades, running away had been my only salvation.
But Janet lovingly insisted.
“Will you allow me to help direct you to give yourself some self-compassion?”
And she held the space energetically for me so I felt safe.
So I imagined creating a circle of divine, golden light.
Envisioning him in that circle kept me safe from him, and him safe from me.
Then Janet dug deep with the compassion phrases, saying that as long as I keep him on the hook, there is lots of stuff I don’t have to face yet.
Oh my! My mind indexed on her comment as we progressed with the session.
Could this hook of old resentment be the truth I was side-stepping in all these years of holistic healing work? Could clearing these old resentments be the key to opening the door I’d been knocking on for so long? The key to stepping into a new way of being? A key to authentic wholeness? Is THIS why I still have nagging health and wealth issues?
Every so often, she told me to check into the circle and look at my father,
to see what he was doing.
I would prefer not to look, but I glanced over at the circle of light.
He was just standing there, alone.
I could see his confusion.
He didn’t know what he was doing in the circle.
There was nothing in the circle but him, alone.
Nothing to do.
No weeds to pull.
Nothing to be acted upon.
Nothing to be controlled or manipulated.
No act of service to perform.
Looking around wondering what to do.
“So sorry if you stop hating your dad, you’ll be at loose ends.
So sorry you won’t know what to do with yourself.”
Janet continued with the phrases, mirroring my thoughts with words.
Yes, I was triggered in the process.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, my face crinkled up as tears rolled down my face.
Yes, I blew my nose.
Janet continued to hold the space for me.
We checked into the circle again.
My father was flying a kite, totally unaware of my fears.
More digging deep.
More releasing of old hurts.
“I just want this all to be done!”
“It will be done when you choose that it is done.
When you have released all the resentments,
and your soul is clear, then it is done.
The timing is all up to you.”
We checked into the circle again.
Empty. He was gone.
Gone to fly a kite with his brother.
And that was it.
I didn’t die by encircling him in Divine Light.
I acknowledged my fears and resentments,
releasing them through the power of compassion,
Then I had another thought, which brought up another fear.
I have spent decades motivated by these fears
of not measuring up, of not being enough,
of not being worthy of mention or attention… or of love…
of having to prove that girls are just as valuable as boys…
And now that scarcity motivation is gone,
now that I have cleared these resentments, who am I?
What am I? What can I do? How do I be me?
“So sorry you don’t know who you are.”
“So sorry you don’t know how to be the new you.”
In compassion for my plight, Janet put on her Theta Healing hat
and connected with Divine Source on my behalf.
With my permission, she asked that the old contract be marked complete
on the genetic, core and soul levels, releasing of the obligation to re-pattern the lesson,
to release everyone in the world from showing up to re-teach me that lesson…
Forgiveness was expressed.
Permissions for fun and joy and love were given…
She requested and witnessed The Great Creator of All Things
lifting from me the fear and the pain,
and giving me the Creator’s perspective of how
to be in joy and choose from love,
and to know my purpose again…
Teaching me that when I am being on purpose I feel light.
Teaching me that if something feels heavy, to not choose it.
Choose to let go of all I am not.
If it is not light it is a lie.
To feel the joy in my human body…
If I have something in my heart… to let it out.
To become a conscious co-creator…
To follow my heart and express what is in it…
Whatever is the fullest expression of my soul’s light…
Whatever gives me joy and expresses my joy…
To be in my own creation, not attempting to fit myself into someone else’s expectation…
To not attempt to fill my perception of someone else’s expectation…
To not be “hell bent” on proving them right…
When I am doing the best I can in my sweet zone…
When I am doing what brings my heart joy…
That is when I am on purpose…
Happiness is wanting what I get.
Success is not what I expected.
I am allowed to be surprised by life and love and joy.
How much joy can I stand?
How much happiness can I handle?
How much money can I receive?
How many lives can I change?
Ask for that feeling. How it shows up is God’s business.
Then you will want to HAVE a life.
The more you live in the feeling you want,
The more you ramp up how much you can receive.
We always get what we want.
We don’t always know why we want it.
Often we create either too much of what we don’t want,
Or not enough of what we do want.
But now, having released all the old fears and resentments,
I can now have what I want.
I can now create what I want.
I don’t have to die to achieve it.
I can be loved, even cherished.
I can care without criticism.
I can love others unconditionally.
I can express myself without fear.
I can love without judgment.
I can live an inspired life.
I can feel aligned with The Great Creator.
I can have what I want in a healthy body.
I can contribute in meaningful ways.
I can go where I want to go.
I can live how I want to live.
Not the session I expected.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, It is done, It is done.
Releasing Old Resentments
I experienced a “storm” of physical pain a few days ago…
I worked on clearing as much trapped emotional energy as I could, and awoke this morning knowing someone else I needed to forgive…for their actions of harshness and disrespect toward me about 11 years ago…
which caused me excessive emotional, financial and professional pain and distress…
This was someone I trusted by virtue of a position of church authority and their medical profession…
Someone who sought me out for my professional knowledge and skills,
Who would not allow his wife to provide the needed care for his father
who was suffering from severe dementia…
(urine soaked socks in the pantry, aggravated Sundowners syndrome, packing his belonging to leave every evening, wandering away and more…)
But this man (my client’s son) thought nothing of imposing it all upon me,
as if he was doing me a favor by allowing me to slave 24/7
and expecting cut rate pricing by virtue of our church association.
Long story short…
I “made it through that rain”…
It was an experience of compassion for the client,
and of setting boundaries with someone in “authority”
(even though I was scared)
Of standing up for myself and insisting on payment…
but I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth –
great disillusionment and loss of respect for this person,
who was so greatly revered in his church position.
This occurred so long ago I thought I had cleared it.
I haven’t thought of it in years, as both they and we have moved,
and this person is no longer in my local church community.
So I thought it was gone and forgotten…
Yet apparently, resentment remained stuck in my energy field.
And this morning,
my soul revealed it to me.
I must forgive.
I don’t want to forgive.
He hurt me.
He shouldn’t have done that.
He scared me.
He was in the wrong.
He disrespected me.
He treated me abominably.
He treated me like shit.
He respected and protected his wife’s sensibilities,
but did not respect me.
He did not value my professional skills.
He was horrible to me.
I no longer respect him.
Do I have to respect him?
Have I forgiven him?
Is there any reason why should I forgive him?
For your own healing.
But I don’t know how to do it.
When I think of him I get a taste of bitter gall in my throat.
I want to vomit.
Will I feel better if I forgive him and let go of the resentments?
Has this hidden, forgotten resentment been blocking my healing?
Can I let it go now?
I’m not sure how…
Do I let it go just like I let go of any other old blocked emotion?
Ok… here goes…
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
It is done, it is done, it is done.
I got up, dressed, walked to the car, drove to the gym, did an hour of water aerobics, came home safely without struggle..
and all without pain.
If forgiveness works this well…
I shall be searching my soul for more that needs to be forgiven.
Thank you for witnessing my blessing…
Next Day’s Morning Meditation:
Shards and Shrouds…
Releasing Old Resentments yesterday opened a floodgate for more. This morning, did some basic full body presence breathing and a body scan. There were a few gentle pressures – back of my neck and top of my shoulders, and my feet and calves – that needed underlying ancestral emotions released (1 generation back – my dear sweet mother)…
Easily released by identifying and releasing the underlying trapped emotion of ancestral confusion…. many instances….
There is something else…
I intuitively scanned with my golden energy sieve and pulled out some sharp energy shards.
Do I need to know what these are?
No. Just rejoice that they are gone.
Is it time to get up now?
Great – I get to relax more and breathe.
Is there more resentment buried inside me somewhere that needs to be released?
Is there an underlying reason for it?
Do I need to know more about it?
How do I release it? Like I release other trapped emotions?
Do I polish it away with Compassion?
Do I just reach in and pull it out of me?
And give it to God?
In my mind’s eye, I imagined reaching my left hand into my soul heart space, grabbing hold of the energy of resentment, and pulling out of me…
It came out as a diaphanous grayish orb …
about 10 inches in diameter…
I opened my hand and it sat there a while on my palm….
Then it changed, shifting into a life sized, human body shape of translucent energy –
I had pulled out a whole energy shroud…
as if the resentment had resided inside me as an cognizant being… a separate entity of its own….
And then it was gone.
Just a lightness of spirit.
Did it go to you, God?
Is there more?
May I receive more of your golden divine light now?
Breathing in the light.
Now… is it time to get up?
Thank you, thank you, thank you….
Dear Soul Friends…
For letting me share my meditations with you.
The Deep Waters of Grief
Each stage is a season, bringing both a blessing and a shadow.
How you fare through the transition is a matter of perspective and choice.
And of course, it helps to reach out to compassionate hearts
and kind hands to help you on your way.
A merciful temporary shield of protection.
An insulating numbness,
protecting your psyche from the magnitude of what just happened,
Denial mercifully allows you retain the strength needed to step up
and do what needs to be done in this, your most immediate hour of need.
Denial can be so deceptively comforting you may be tempted to stay here forever.
Don’t stay cocooned here too long, or you’ll miss out on the rest of your life.
A catalyzing, actionable energy.
Anger brings with it the ability to effect powerful change in split-seconds.
Misdirected through ignorance, blame or imperfect perception,
Anger can damage and destroy a sensitive, fragile new beginning,
plunging all back into depths of despair.
An opportunity for introspection.
Bargaining allows you to look at all the angles of your tragedy,
and realize the magnitude of the part you played in each scene.
Such conscious awareness can enlighten the soul for the highest and best good.
Endless examination of what went right and what went wrong,
and all the “coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s”
that may or may not have been done differently
can imprison you, powerlessly, in the past.
Stabbed and wounded,
Depression becomes your respectable retreat, your safe space,
where you are allowed to process this epic truth –
Your Life, as you knew it, will never be the same.
Do not fear the pain.
Even embrace it.
Fully feel the twisting blade of despair,
And share your anguish with a trusted, nonjudgmental soul.
Only then, when the magnitude of your loss is fully validated,
will the sharpness soften and the tide recede and you discover
there is rest and renewal to be found in these quiet depths.
Excessive indulgence in Depression can become endlessly disabling.
Do not succumb to the temptation to wield Depression
as a weapon of self-pity against your present and your future,
for left unchecked, it will steal your ability to love,
and that, my dear, would be the greatest tragedy of all.
Oh blessed is the day when you awaken from sorrow and hear a song of joy again!
Acceptance peeps slowly, gently, up through the receding pain,
Just tiny moments of awareness seeking sunlight through snow frozen field.
You still breathe the breath of life.
And alive, enlightened by the lessons, you can choose to walk more meaningfully.
Defeat is the shadow side of Acceptance.
Giving up is the sin.
The true sorrow is if you let the pain dim the light of your soul
and the world loses you… and your purpose… and your natural expression of joy.
Yes, you were horribly hurt.
Yes, you felt powerless in your pain.
Yes, it happened to you.
But you are not alone.
You did not drown.
In avoiding the shadows and embracing the blessings contained in this prose,
you can climb into the ship of compassion
to safely cross the seas of change.
This Thanksgiving was different.
No houseful of family or guests.
No hours in the kitchen preparing turkey and fixings….
We let our grown children experience their holiday without us…
And as new “empty nesters”,
we chose something different.
He wanted food and football…
I wanted chocolate and sweetness…
and added in some service as well.
Thanksgiving Day with my husband’s sister and her husband…
Dining out, we enjoyed exquisite meals…
Grateful for this experience of Affluence, Ease and Joy…
Then a movie… Marvel Adventures of Dr. Strange…
A traditional doctor of western medicine…
Experiencing a traumatic wake-up-call,
Broadening his awareness into the
World of Energetic Power and Force…
Chakras… Astral Bodies… Dealing with Offensive Entities…
Altered Perceptions… Spells… Crystals…
Manipulating Space and Time… Portals… Vortexes…
“Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My”….
If you understand the world of energy… you’ll love this!!
Friday Football on the Big Screen,
A comfortable night in our own bed,
Saturday morning service at the Seattle LDS Temple,
Then a “quick” trip across the State to visit my sweet Mother….
Who currently lives with the friends who “bought the back pasture”
over 40 years ago, and established their homestead there.
It quickly became evident that her caregivers’ health is precarious.
His bulging disc and 6 months of sciatica pain
led to back surgery scheduled for Monday…
and they had made no provision for extra help for Mother…
just planning to leave her “home alone” while he is in surgery….
Some optimists live in a state of blissful denial…
And keep going despite overwhelming odds…
Until they just can’t anymore.
I did that.
The ostrich syndrome.
Works only in the short term.
Not for the long term.
Change is always coming.
We can resist… and struggle…
Or accept… and shape the change…
Leave my 94 year old Mother “Home Alone”?
We decided to stay longer….
“What if he doesn’t get better, Jo Lyn?” she asked. “What shall we do?”
I lean toward her in compassionate strength…
“We will deal with it together, one step at a time.”
He no longer has the strength to serve Mother’s needs,
And she is too frail to manage the wheelchair…
And it’s clear to us that it’s time for her to move.
But six months ago she adamantly refused the offer of change….
A Sunday evening open discussion at my brother’s home
produced three good options from which Mother can choose.
Meditative prayer and Soultalk sessions.
Intuitive guidance received.
A list of specific actions to perform for specific family members.
So much to do, in this healing process of love…
Mother requested an outing to the bookstore on Monday.
She selected her books and went to the check stand…
Where a 60’s something customer stood by,
Who, “in-cahoots” with the clerk,
Paid for Mother’s books before she could even get out her wallet.
“Merry Christmas”, the lady said.
Surprised and startled, Mother said, “Thank you.
What just happened?” We all laughed, delighted at the exchange.
Three ladies in the store obviously recognized Mother from
her decades of Church service in the community…
But Mother no longer recognized them.
“Mother, she gave you a Christmas gift – she paid for your books.”
“Well, Thank You!” she managed again…
“And Merry Christmas to you, too!”
The ladies gather round, watching, smiling,
as mother slowly makes her way to the door.
“Merry Christmas… Merry Christmas… Merry Christmas….”
In the car, heading home, she said again,
“Why did she do that? I don’t know her from Adam or Eve!”
“Mother, she gave herself the gift of giving,
She honored you for your years of giving in the Church and community.
They knew you… perhaps you taught them as children… or led them in song…
or served at a dinner… a funeral… or helped at a wedding…
or knew them in the Daughters of Utah Pioneers….
They knew you, and honored you.
In some way, at some time, you blessed their lives,
and today, in this way, they blessed you with a simple gift.
And in blessing you, it blessed them to be able to give.
Lunchtime. A simple meal.
A request for healing for her caregiver,
who was still waiting for his surgery.
“I am concerned for him, and I am concerned for you all…”
opened a gentle discussion with Mother.
Her preferences explored…
An interim support system in activated…
She chooses my brother’s place.
It’s closer, and already designed to serve her mobility needs.
“But I will have to get rid of a bunch of stuff before I move…”
“No worries, Mom, we will help. We can work it all out.”
Traveling home before the roads ice over,
“She wants to come to you… “
I love Mother dearly, and would love for her to come to us…
To care for her for the rest of her days,
However short or long that may be.
But to be able to manage her needs with ease,
Another change is needed.
Unpacking, in a quiet moment,
I sense my departed father near.
“Hello, Dad,” I say. “Are we doing okay for Mom?”
Is it right for her to go to my brother’s place?
Do you want her to come to me?
Then here’s what I need you to help me with…
A more generous size home.
Closer to my husband’s work.
And within our stated budget.
There are Angels Among Us…
On both sides of the veil.
Aligning all for the highest and best good.
Blessing energy flows abundantly,
Bathing us all in an abundance of Affluence, Ease and Joy,
As much as we are willing and ready to receive…
I am grateful for this Gratitude Weekend…
For the spiritual gifts I am able to activate for myself and others…
for the results of my SoulTalk healing sessions…
Empathic clearing of ancestral and present emotions….
The feedback I am beginning to receive is amazing…
My sister’s disability released enough that she was able
(and courageous enough) to drive her car for the first time in 12 years.
My nephew now free of rage that trapped him for years in fear and pain and isolation.
My disabled son now working… taking on life responsibilities in a new way….
Funds sufficient for our needs…
Simple, but profound, the blessings are flowing…
A real estate transaction resolution… “Your check is ready”…
I am excited to see what shows up next.
Thank you, thank you, thank you….