by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Feb 20, 2024 | Authentic Wholeness, Holistic Healing, Soul Writer - Jo Lyn, Spirituality |
Dear Higher Self,
Do you have words of wisdom for me today?
Yes of course, dear one.
Remember your nighttime meditation –
your identification of the procession of energies you have been identifying, processing, and releasing?
Grumpy pants, lethargy, and now, grief.
Grief is an energy that many wear.
A coat of many colors so to speak…
for grief has many nuances, many faces, many flavors…
Grief holds the soul in a vise like grip, stopping time in it’s tracks.
You have released the grief you were carrying for others.
Now you feel the grief in your own energy…
Go all the way back to it’s earliest conception.
Your grief was born in the contradictions your spirit encountered in this world of contradiction.
Contradiction is born of perspective.
Perspective is born of experiences,
and it goes round and round, causing misperception and grief everywhere you look.
Do a look-see on the other side of your grief,
and you will find that when viewed from the angle of divine existence,
it wafts away in the wind.
Grief is an energy.
Energies can shift and blow away.
Your grief, when processed out of your energy,
now leaves you in a space of neutrality.
What is on the other side of grief?
You can’t find it if you stay in neutrality.
But you can focus your attention on discerning the opposite of grief,
and identifying what helps you see that.
The opposite of grief, for you, is joy.
Joy is peace. Joy is gratitude. Joy is love.
Do you have those in your heart?
Yes.
Then you have just accomplished the purposeful experiment of this world –
that is, you have generated greater love from roots of grief through the core node to the stems,
the leaves, blooms, the fruit. .
That is the human experience.
To create intentionally, by choice.
You chose to come here, to experience the opposite of what you wanted to create,
and then to grow beyond it.
Paint now, with your brushes of joy, peace and love.
For in so doing, you are a creator of the universe.
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Dec 10, 2020 | Holistic Healing |
Self care has become a big part of my path toward authentic healing… getting my autonomic nervous system to function in parasympathetic (healing) mode rather than always in sympathetic (fight flight) mode.
Some of my favorite self care methods include intermittent fasting, clean nutrition, clean air, pulsed electromagnetic therapy, energy healing, meditation, infrared sauna sessions, neuromovement exercises, and letting myself sleep when I’m tired.
Learning to accept, love and listen to the wisdom of my body is a big change from the old mistaken childhood belief that I was somehow “bad”, “dirty”,”unwanted” or “unworthy” simply because I was born a girl. That unhelpful mis-perception kept me in struggle for years, as I tried to “prove my worth” by always doing more and more and more. I became an over-achiever, taking on both masculine AND feminine roles in life and trying to fix everything for everyone around me. Yes, eventually I burned out – completely. My body finally had to force me to STOP and take time to heal.
It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve learned to graciously let go of others’ expectations, and let them take charge of themselves. I have become able to set and hold healthy boundaries, and to more clearly hear my own inner voice and discern true priorities.
Surprisingly, my need to take time for healing has not been met with disdain or judgement, as I expected. I am being nurtured and treated gently, even though I am not physically able to contribute as much in daily life as I did previously.
In terms of authentic healing – being able to feel safe enough to truly relax is key!
Today, rather than rushing through a shower, I took a long, hot leisurly bath… and became quite motivated… to relax!
And my husband is totally okay with me resting… he’s lovingly calling me his beauty queen!
#LoveYourselfSlim
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Nov 20, 2019 | Holistic Healing, Life Transitions, SoulTalk |
Closet Clutter Clearing Therapy…
“We’re in contract.”
One sentence that culminates a whirlwind search for where to live when my husband retires.
It began with a one day trip to the beach at Ocean Shores,
where my husband indulged my need to stare at the ocean with my feet in the sand for 5 long blessed hours….
Something I’ve been craving since Mother passed.
And then a short drive around the peninsula…
A discovery of a new fun beach development…
Sandy lots available at just $15,000 each…
and a flicker of hope in my subconscious mind..
That maybe, just maybe, despite the 2008 crash and subsequent losses…
Maybe, just maybe, we could have our own little place again…
And maybe it would be a bungalow at the beach…
A few conversations with realtors and mortgage brokers,
and we were amazed to be “invited” back into the world of the living…
Where people who are considered trustworthy are offered mortgages to buy houses…
We are invited to get back into debt.
Imaginations ran wild.
Lighthouses.
Boat storage business.
Merry go round.
Kite store.
Short term rentals.
Oh, the possibilities!
Eventually coming back to earth,
We realized that retirees who build dream houses in tiny beach towns eventually leave…
for health reasons…
or for better amenities…
and houses where there is no real job market don’t appreciate…
And if we were really going to get back into home ownership, where would we REALLY want to live?
Eenie meenie mienie mo…
Where on earth do we want to go…
We wrote our wish list and started studying housing markets…
“We’re in contract”.
The decision is done.
But the work has only just begun.
Clutter clearing, here we come!
I watched a sappy sweet Christmas movie,
turned on a sentimental Christmas music playlist,
and headed for my closet.
Yep… the closet I couldn’t really clean when I went through
Clutter Clearing Class the first time a couple years ago.
This time, with the promise of a beautiful new home as motivation, I began.
Touching each piece of clothing, I muscle tested yes or no.
Yes to keep and no to let go…
The yes’s stayed on their hangers…
The no’s made it to the closet floor.
Some were obviously past their prime…
Hidden deep in the closet I’d ignored them for 3 years…
But some surprised me…
They were things I still wear…
Things I like, even…
And some brand spankin’ new…
But never worn….
Why were they never worn?
Because I had changed.
I became a new me –
And this is a new day.
Ready or not…
The music jangled on…
But my tears began to flow…
Do I really have to let go?
Yes What am I letting go of?
Why am I crying?
What is this fear?
It’s not the clothes.
I am letting go of the me that I was when I wore these items every day…
When I was young and slender and lithe and quick and vibrant….
I am letting go of the pain I felt when I was so sick
and my children cleaned out my closet of many favorites,
thinking I would never get well again…
they thought they were doing me a favor…
and maybe they were,
but it didn’t feel that way then.
“Let go of the old, you you can make room for the new.”
That’s what they say, but when you’re not ready,
it feels more like pain and grief and loss.
What if letting go of the old releases the loss?
What if letting go of the old empowers you to live fully in the present moment?
I feel the energy lift.
I lived 20 when I was 20.
40 when I was 40.
And now as I am now…
Wiping the tears away, I continue…
This time, on purpose…
the letting go is totally on my own terms.
“We are under contract”…
Which means we made a conscious choice for where to live
for the next however many years we’ll be embodied on this planet as Kevin and Jo Lyn…
It’s been a journey of faith,
of conscious choices,
and careful budgeting.
Good stewards.
Good stewards of the resources we know we will have for the long term…
And if you’re health is such that your world shrinks to the size of a box…
I say, let that box be beautiful!
Take only what you really want.
Bring with you only what serves you in the now.
Accept and be the you that you are today…
Jeanie Brosius King and Marie Kondo would be proud of me.
I am proud of me.
I manage to pick up the pile of clothes from the floor an armful at a time.
My balance a bit wobbly – I am grateful for the door moldings that my fingers hang on to,
Supporting me as I shuffle from here to there.
My thoughts flicker to my friend who can no longer walk at all…
I muscle test each item on the bed.
Separating them into piles,
one to keep,
one for my daughter,
and one to let go…
The keep pile is small,
And as the other two grow,
I find my words changing from “let go” to “give”.
And along with the words, feelings of gratitude flow…
Give.
Give.
Give.
And Live.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
It has only just begun.
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Nov 14, 2019 | Holistic Healing, SoulTalk |
We’ve been contemplating our post-retirement move – which quickly became an adventure in house hunting. Not being as physically strong and capable as in years past, one of the thoughts that kept coming up for me was: “Who am I to have a house of my own?”, and “I have no value as a human being, what makes me think it is okay to have a house?”
Self-deprecating thoughts are, of course, self-defeating. Negative thoughts bring up deeply held emotions of shame, self-loathing, guilt for taking up space in the world, hopelessness, and an explicable self-limiting belief that something is intrinsically wrong with me.
Why do some people grow up with an innate sense of well-being, and others grow up emotionally insecure?
The answer to that is finally coming to light for me. Studying the latest research by leading scientists and therapists in trauma healing, I have a name for an underlying reason for my struggles with low self-esteem, and my continual need to study all things “holistic healing”. That name is “Developmental Trauma Disorder” – a term coined by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and his peers, as explained in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”. Understanding that in our earliest years, we create a perceptual map of what the world is like (safe vs unsafe), and that these deep subconscious beliefs drive our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and even abilities as we go through life… is enlightening.
For years, I’ve sensed that not everything is the way I perceive it to be. For decades, I held onto specific hurtful and confusing events from childhood as “evidence” that there was something wrong with me. Now I know that how my psyche shaped those internal perceptions was simply a result of my early childhood experiences. There’s nothing “wrong” with me as a human being. I’m not an unwanted piece of trash. For me, my developmental trauma was mostly based on my impression, at birth, that they were disappointed in me because I was a girl instead of a boy. They had no idea how that affected my sense of self worth… but here I am decades later – telling you about it – so it was not something I could “just get over”. Being a helpless, impressionable infant, my immature neurological system believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me… and I was therefore at risk of not being safe in the world. I couldn’t simply “become a boy”… so I worked really hard to fit in and be significant in my family… thus ensuring my survival… but always felt an underlying sense of “not being enough”. And until my recent studies, I didn’t have the words to explain it.
So why am I sharing this “deep, dark inner secret” about my own mixed up psyche?
Why would I tell anyone about feeling worthless and undeserving as a human being?
Because last night, in meditation, I was able to clear (release and resolve) that old perceptual belief.
And that frees me to heal… to see myself as healthy… a fully embodied soul… capable, resilient, and whole.
And if I can do it… then maybe this will help someone else who suffers from DTD…
In my bed, I struggle to sleep. Failing that, I begin meditation. Knowing about Developmental Trauma Disorder gives me a greater understanding of the source of my decades of low self-esteem, I began working through my meditative question and answer process:
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…
Is this lack of value a divine truth? No…
Is this lack of value a belief? Yes…
Is this an ancestral belief? No…
Is this a collective belief? No…
Is this my own belief? Yes…
Is this a conscious belief? No…
Is this a subconscious belief? Yes…
I have value as a human being. No…”
Pausing, I feel the self-defeating belief deeply in my belly… visualizing the branches of my unmyelinated dorsal vagus nerve enmeshed throughout my visceral organs. The vagus nerve is directly connected to the limbic, reptilian part of my brain – the fight/flight/freeze command center – which was all I had to work with as an infant.
Tears flow from my eyes, running silently down the sides of my face, wetting my ears and my pillow. I couldn’t have known then, that just because they wanted a boy, did not mean that there was something wrong with me.
“I forgive myself for not knowing.
I forgive myself for being a baby when I was a baby.
I forgive them and myself for being human.
Can I clear this subconscious belief? Yes…
Do I know how to do it? Yes… “
Hands on my heart, I being tapping gently, intentionally…
“Clearing lack of value as a human being.
Releasing lack of value as a human being.
Resolving this developmental traumatic perception of lack of value as a human being.”
Tapping, clearing, releasing, resolving….
Sighing deeply, I feel the tendons and ligaments in my hip relax to a new level.
The decades old, unfinished fight/flight energy associated with feeling unsafe is allowed to process.
My hips and legs begin slight movements, which I recognize as completion movements related to flight…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…”
Smiling, I continue…
“I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…
I create and share value with the world. Yes…
I am supported as I create and share value with others. Yes…
I am Jo Lyn. Yes…
I have value as a human being. Yes…
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.”
Now… I can go house hunting and feel great about it!
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Sep 14, 2019 | Happiness, Holistic Healing, Mindfulness, Personal Empowerment, Self Improvement, SoulTalk, Spirituality |
Today I completed a 28 Day Gratitude Practice…
28 days of focused attention to blessings great and small…
What I appreciate most about the experience is that
my morning meditative self talk focus has shifted from
“what do I need to clear” (focused on the past) to
“what am I grateful for”… (focused on the present)…
And in the present moment,
I am laying the foundation for future moments…
of greater gratitude and joy.
I have been trying to resolve some physical health issues,
and knowing that there is an underlying mental, emotional, energetic
component to every disease and disorder,
I have developed the habit of waking up each day,
searching my mind for what I need to clear out of my psyche…
That “clearing” practice has been helpful in digging up and airing out
long forgotten unpleasant experiences, and allowing the biochemistry processing to complete…
But at some point, my habitual thought pattern became so focused on past wounds that I forgot to appreciate that I don’t live in my past anymore…
And I am much better served by being grateful,
in the present moment,
for blessings great and small…
Habits of thought are created through repetition, so, with the help of some special friends, I employed Rhonda Byrne’s “The Magic” (book 3 in the series of “The Secret”) as the structure for my 28 Day Gratitude Practice.
The first time through, I created the structure for our practice in the Facebook group, but my actual personal practice fizzled out…
Until one of my friends said “Let’s start this up again.”
This time, I am so happy to report that I completed each of the 28 Day Gratitude Practice prompts, with full purpose of heart…
and The Magic truly began to happen!
My energy lightened.
My spirits lifted.
I began looking for things to be grateful for.
I focused on noticing the joy…
And as I did, more joyful things appeared!
New clients showed up – effortless abundance!
I found the energy to deep clean my home – definite progress!
I received unexpected checks in the mail – a welcome surprise!
Today I woke up with gratitude phrases in my mind…
and found my body beginning to cooperate gently and joyfully…
“Thank you for my strong, healthy body.”
“Thank you for full range of motion.”
“Thank you for full relaxation.”
“Thank you for standing tall and walking strong.”
“Thank you for all the love in my life.”
As I write this post, a children’s song comes to mind…
from the Children’s Songbook…
one that I taught my own little ones…
a song of saying thank you… thank you… thank you…
a song of receiving divine love…
“Children All Over the World”
All over the world at the end of day,
Heav’nly Father’s children kneel down and pray,
Each saying thank you in his own special way,
Saying thank you, thank you in his own special way.
“Gracias.” (grah-see-ahs)
“Malo.” (mah-loh)
“Wir danken dir.” (veer don-ken deer)
All over the world tender voices hear.
Some say “tak,” (tahk)
others “merci,” (mare-see)
“Kansha shimasu,” (kahn-shah shee-mah-sue)
We thank thee.
Our Heavenly Father hears them;
He understands each tongue.
Our Heav’nly Father knows them;
He loves them,
loves them,
ev’ry one.
Words: Peggy Hill Ryskamp, b. 1949. © 1975 IRI
Music: Beth Groberg Stratton, b. 1944. © 1975 IRI
Children’s Songbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Apr 3, 2018 | Holistic Healing, Intuitive Downloads, Jo Lyn's Blog, SoulTalk |
I awaken, thoughts of my loved ones going through my mind.
I muscle test for which of them I should pray and meditate.
This morning – the meditation is for my husband.
In my mind’s eye, I place him in a Circle of Divine Light.
I am directed to give myself compassion for things that have come up for him, that seem to be holding him back, and which affect both of us.
I muscle test each phrase for truth, seeking the right words to describe the right energies to be shifted and cleared.
I address the phrases as if from my higher self to my current self…
I am so sorry your husband does not have the opportunity to fully serve to his capacity at work.
I am so sorry he is stuck in a limited role.
I am so sorry they don’t realize his value to contribute.
I am so sorry he gets frustrated that they don’t value his contribution.
I am so sorry they devalue his ability to contribute meaningfully because he is older than they.
I am so sorry they see age as a handicap.
I am so sorry they don’t see his work experience and capabilities as the great resource it truly is.
I am so sorry his opportunities are limited.
Is there another perspective to explore?
Self-directed compassion continued, this time for our son.
I am so sorry your son doesn’t make enough money to pay for his own apartment.
I am so sorry he makes too much money to qualify for the low income apartment.
I am so sorry he will have no place to live unless some doors open up for him.
I am so sorry it is all your responsibility.
I am so sorry you need a miracle for him.
I am so sorry you need a miracle right now for him.
I am so sorry you will always have to help your son.
I am so sorry he was born with a so many limitations.
I am so sorry his disability is all your fault.
I am so sorry you will always be stressed regarding his well-being.
I am so sorry for your sorrows…
I am so sorry you internalize your sorrows.
I am so sorry your internalized stress becomes physical pain.
I am so sorry you are not able to consciously transform your physical well being into good health, strength and balance.
I am so sorry that stress and poor health affect your financial well being.
I am so sorry that no matter what you do, you cannot succeed.
I am so sorry that no matter what healing method you apply, it will not work.
I am so sorry that you must live in poverty all the days of your life.
I must live in poverty all the days of my life?
Wait – I have a soul contract to live in poverty all the days of my life?
A series of past life events flash through my mind.
So many distorted perceptions…
Affecting everything I did and all those whom I love…
Did I inherit that soul contract?
Did I think that I had to be poor to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven?…
That I had to be poor to be loved by God?
God loves you from infinity, to infinity, and beyond.
Do I need to know more about this soul contract?
You have come full circle in your journey.
You are ready to move on.
Spirit guided me through the correct process to end this self-limiting soul contract.
I rested in the energy of realization and release for long moments…
Then came a Q & A session with Spirit…
There is such a thing as shared karma.
Did that soul contract of poverty affect my husband’s career?
Did that soul contract affect my husband’s ability to provide for our family?
So… no matter how hard we tried, and how hard we worked, it was all for nothing, because of that soul contract of poverty?
No? It was not for nothing?
Correct. With every project, you learned.
With every effort, you grew stronger.
With every accomplishment, you succeeded.
With every act of service, you shared love.
Yes, but we could never seem to hold onto what we created…
It is my fault that we lost our beautiful property?
Yes, the soul contract affected that outcome.
Despite all your giving, you were not able to receive.
Yet, the soul contract gave you something to strive for.
Your challenges gave you a reason to seek God.
And in all your trials, you have always been watched over and cared for.
Yes, I see. We were afraid, but we never lacked for food and shelter and … love.
So… were we meant to move on from there?
We were meant to come here… to care for Mother…
To experience all of this clutter clearing, downsizing, resting and healing and growing and connecting time?
Life is continually changing… as we grow?
Yes, to live a full clear life is to allow the flow.
Can I make a new soul contract?
One of my own conscious choosing?
Spirit guided me to create a new soul contract.
Sacred to me… with just the right words…
Hopeful, joyful, generous, empowering words.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I will rest in this new, more joyful energy for a time,
feel into this new, more expansive soul contract,
and allow my world to shift and flow.
It is done, it is done, it is done.
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Mar 13, 2018 | Authentic Wholeness, Compassion, Happiness, Holistic Healing, Personal Empowerment |
My Sacred Gift of Writing
My Sacred Gift of Healing
After our Compassion Circle Sharing call last evening, I thought to put my body in a circle of light, and give it compassion for the weight, health and balance issues that have prevailed despite all my holistic energy healing work.This self-directed compassion is a process of self-love, self-forgiveness, and self healing.
It is a process of validating emotions for the purpose of acknowledging them as real, as important, and as part of our soul’s process of exploring what we want and what we don’t want to experience… thus helping us be free to make positive life choices.In my mind’s eye, I draw a golden circle of Divine Light.
I place my body in that circle.
So sorry you are so heavy.
So sorry no matter what you do, you cannot change your stars.
So sorry you are stuck carrying other people’s burdens.
So sorry other people can release weight through learning to love themselves, but you cannot.
So sorry you are stuck in a perpetual state of chronic adrenal stress, for ever and ever and ever and ever and always.
So sorry your parasympathetic nervous system is so shattered, and you can never heal.
So sorry the stress you carry is not a burden you can ever put down.
So sorry you can send other’s burdens to the light, but not your own.
So sorry you feel you have to save the world.
So sorry you contracted to be in servitude forever.
So sorry work and service have to be hard.
So sorry you don’t know how to serve from a space of joy and love.
So sorry your world cannot be light and easy.
So sorry it is so difficult to throw off generational burdens.
So sorry they carried heavy burdens, so it wouldn’t be fair if you lightened your own load.
So sorry those burdens are so heavy your legs can no longer hold you up.
So sorry you have to become disabled in order to be relieved of your burdens.
So sorry now you have become a burden to others.
So sorry for your sorrows.
so I leave my body in the circle of light…
Intermittently, I wake up and check the circle.
Yep, my body is still there.
I give more compassion each time I awake.
So sorry you are stuck there.
So sorry you will always be stuck.
A few more hours of sleep – it is still there in the circle.
So sorry there is nowhere to go.
So sorry there is only shadow in that circle.
So sorry a circle of light is so dark.
So sorry you think you have to be heavy to stay alive.
So sorry you think you must be heavy to survive.
So sorry you don’t see that heaviness is what is killing you.
So sorry you don’t see that burden is too heavy.
So sorry you can’t see that weightlessness would allow you to move more freely.
So sorry you can’t see that you have the power to change.
So sorry you don’t see that you can give yourself permission to release the lot of it.
So sorry you don’t see that you can release it and let it go while still in this physical body.
So sorry you can’t figure out how to let it go without dying.
So sorry your cells think they are protecting you from harm by chelating emotional toxins.
So sorry you are too afraid to see your truth.
So sorry you cannot just let it all go.
So sorry you cannot love yourself just the way you are.
I awake in the morning – yep… my body is still in the circle… but I am on my way to deep water aerobics, so I can’t stop and focus for a session. It will have to wait.
My swimsuit on, I’m in the pool.
In between the instructor’s guidance,
I check that circle of light.
My body is still there, but it is all crumpled up.
It looks like a pile of discarded clothing.
Blacks and browns and blues.
Shall I send it compassion now?
Okay… and I go my merry way,
able to perform full range of motion in the water,
moving there in ways I cannot do on dry land.
My lips have been chapped for weeks.
Ever since Mother passed away my lips have dried out, peeled off, become soft again, only to dry out again.
Sometimes my lips feel like a snake shedding it’s skin.
Yes, I use amazingly good lip stuff.
Yes, I stay well hydrated.
Water water everywhere, inside and out.
Still, I’m shedding my skin.
On my way home I check again.
Yep, my body is still in the circle of light,
all crumpled up like wadded up fabric…
Shall I do a compassion session now?
Once home, I dry my hair, eat breakfast, send my husband off to work, and sit at the computer.
I write my story of Clearing Deep Resentments, (4 hour project) totally losing track of time.
I love expressing myself through words.
Words have so many nuances.
I love that I can muscle test and know which words to use.
I love that when it’s the wrong word or phrase,
My intuition will lead me to the right ones.
Those I know who don’t love writing
think I am compelled to write by some evil magician or because of an odd pathological obsessive compulsive behavior.
But truth being – I write because I love to write.
I can express myself through the written word
in a way that satisfies my soul.
I write to process.
I write for healing.
I check my circle of light.
Is my body still a crumpled pile of clothing?
Do I see the crumpled pile?
Is my body still in the circle of light?
Is my body light in the circle of light?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, it is done, it is done.
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Mar 13, 2018 | Happiness, Holistic Healing, Personal Empowerment, Relationships, Self Improvement |
Clearing Deep Resentments
I received a compassion session from my Compassion Key partner, in which I uncovered deep resentments toward my father that I had never cleared, in all these years of healing work.
It was not a fun session for me.
I didn’t want to face the truth that I could never be fully healed
until I resolved this issue of resentment and unwillingness to forgive.
The issues are generations old, passed down from one to another.
I didn’t realize the greater fault was mine, in refusing to release the resentments.
I had been guarding my feelings for so long, that I externalized the blame.
I didn’t wake up to the understanding that the power of healing was within me all along….
As a small child I loved and revered my father,
even though he prized his boys and disregarded his girls.
As a teen, I became disillusioned, rebellious, frustrated and quite bitter toward him.
As a young adult, in an effort toward emotional self preservation,
I distanced myself from his authoritative, scarcity mindedness
and his “my way or the highway” attitudes.
It became easy to blame my problems on his less-than-perfect parenting.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
He couldn’t say kind or encouraging words to me.
Our energy styles are polar opposites.
He could only understand the world and other people through his own filters…
and the same could be said of me.
Though I was born of him, his inner world was totally different than mine.
Mid life I recognized my father was simply human,
and it was unrealistic to expect him to meet my old idealistic perception of perfection.
As he aged I realized I could never change him.
But more than ever, I found it difficult to be around him.
I felt that his heavy abrasiveness overpowered the natural light of my soul.
Regardless of how I tried to share what was in my heart,
he seemed unwilling or unable to understand.
I continued to hold my self-protective grudges,
unwittingly stuck in my emotional past,
just as he was stuck in his.I kept trying through the years to show my love.
Truth be, I suppose I was also seeking his approval.
When their health failed and they wanted to stay in their home,
I remodeled it and installed a kitchen at my own expense so they could have one-level living.When it was no longer safe for them to stay home alone together,
and having people in to help was too stressful,
I drove Dad around town looking for options.
He didn’t want to get into my car, because it was a Cadillac.
He said “Someone would see him in that car and come steal all his money.”No matter that I had proven myself financially enough to be able to help them,
he could not, and would not, accept my offerings.
All I wanted was genuine acknowledgement of shared love.
But it was not forthcoming.
I gave up and began “dodging the bullet” of pain.
I stopped trying to get him to love me.
Because he was my father, and for the sake of my mother,
for all those years, I tolerated him.
I accepted that he had his own coping mechanisms,
and was incapable of expressing love to me in a way I could understand.
He viewed emotions as weakness,
insisting that I use my head and not my heart,
to ensure survival and success in this world.
That counsel caused me great confusion,
because I knew I was all heart.
Thus, I was incapable of meeting his expectations.
He was the authority in my childhood world.
I developed an adverse attitude toward authority in my adult world.
The stress of these inner conflicts and misperceptions contributed to my health meltdown, eventually leading me to a journey of holistic healing.
I attempted to share these new perceptions with my parents.
But because this new learning dealt with emotions,
and emotions were to be feared and disregarded as unimportant,
even though my teachers had worldly authority as doctors,
my new perspectives were promptly and summarily dismissed.
“Poppycock!” was the word.
A few weeks after my father passed in 2012, his spirit spoke to me.
“I’m beginning to understand now. I want to know more,” he said.
But I was bone-deep angry.
“You waited too long,” I said, dismissing him. “You’ll have to wait until I’m ready.”
I continued on my path of learning healing modalities.
For the next six months, I’d get random sharp pains in my right shoulder. Muscle testing and emotional healing work revealed that this was my father, commanding my attention toward something he wanted cleared, either for himself or for his ancestors, often for his mother. I would do the energy healing work and my shoulder pain would dissipate.
Eventually, the shoulder pains ceased altogether, and the patterns of empathic pain shifted to different areas. Prompted by physical pain, I cleared hundreds of thousands of ancestral emotions using various healing modalities in the next few years. As I expanded my understanding, I became quite skilled in this ancestral healing work and in getting the energies to move.
Still, my health and wealth issues continued. I remained weaker and heavier than expected. Often off balance. And I experienced random sharp pain in different parts of my body.
Blessedly, the pain could always be cleared through energy work. Blessedly, our finances improved somewhat. Most importantly, I chose to focus on being more aligned with the Spirit, and found great comfort and peace through meditation and prayer..
Mother came to live with us last year, at age 94. She would often wonder out loud why she was still here in this world, and I would tell her she was “here for the love of it.”
Sometimes she would wish she could die, but say she didn’t know how.
I would tell her I didn’t know how either, but if she figured it out, to go ahead and go to the other side… that when she did manage it, I would miss her terribly, but I would understand.
Once I told her that maybe dying is not something that you actively do, but perhaps it is something you allow. Maybe it is more of a simple “letting go”.
My body picked up on Mother’s energies, usually in the form of knee pain or chronic left hip pain.
I could get these to simply go away by doing the energy work. Curious, Mother read my energy medicine books and requested for me to do healing sessions with her and for her.
I explained that this energy I work with intersects the body and the spirit.Move the energy – get it unstuck – and the body’s natural healing processes can balance out.
The body is programmed for healing and our souls are programmed for wholeness.
Energy Medicine work is simply the practice of gently shifting the energies so the body, mind and spirit become free to do what they are meant to do… to support our soul’s highest expression here in form.Healing together became our constant practice… day and night.
Mother would tell me hurts and sorrows she held from years long past.
I would apply my energy healing modalities to the issues, and release them from her, from me, from all who experienced or were affected by them, and all who inherited them. Mother would tell visitors that I kept her out of the doctor’s office, because her aches and pains would go away when I did the energy work.
Mother passed away a few weeks ago.
She got her wish of simply going to sleep at home, in her own bed, surrounded by family, and just waking up on the other side.
I do miss her terribly, though I do understand she wanted to go.
Her spirit is free now.
She is with those she loves, those who went before.I miss our open, frank conversations.
I miss our expressions of loving kindness and consideration.
i miss her wit and humor.
i miss being able to show her my love through small daily, thoughtful actions.
I miss seeing her express the beauty of her soul through her beautiful cross stitch needlework.
I miss her presence in our home.Healing modalities and self-directed compassion are essential comfort measures for me. As the waves of grief subside, I notice that my chronic aches and pains are also subsiding.
Subsiding, yes.
But there remain some issues that are not yet fully resolved in my physical reality.
I notice that I miss my Mother in ways I never missed my Father.
For far too long, I have been busy resenting him for all my childhood hurts and misperceptions…
Too conveniently blaming him for my difficulties with relationships,
for my struggles in not knowing how to feel whole and connected and on purpose in the world.
Some of that was true during my childhood.
But as an adult, it is my responsibility to face my own truths and move beyond the past.
My problem was, until I learned energy healing work, I didn’t know how to move on.
I continue to participate in Compassion Key trainings, giving and receiving sessions.
I thought I had my emotions all handled…
I thought I had cleared all those old childhood issues by just putting them behind me…
until last week’s Circle Compassion session with my partner, Janet Charette.
As the session commenced, we began with a recap of our previous session which had been for her. Then she said it was my turn.
And thus began a conversation.
STUFF from childhood came up. It angered me.
“I thought I had cleared up all this stuff long ago,” I wailed.
“Why does it keep coming up and slamming me in the face, again and again?
When will this ever end!?
Do I have to die to let it all go?!”
Clearly, my resentment had surfaced.
The conversation triggered my old hurts.
That’s a signal that there is something that is ready to be cleared.“Ah”, said Janet. “Your father is who you need to put into the Circle of Light.”
I didn’t want to face it.
I didn’t want to face him.
I felt the effort would be futile.
I didn’t want to forgive.
I wanted to hold onto my resentments.
I didn’t want to bring up old hurts.
Because no matter what I ever accomplished,
he would never change toward me.
He could never appreciate me for who I really am.
I am a girl, and I am all heart, and his heart is closed to me.
I could never meet his expectations when he was alive,
so I knew I could not meet them now that he is dead.
I could never be a boy. He had five boys already.
Why could he not be happy to have girls, too?
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being not enough.
I didn’t want to feel that old pain of being expected to clean up after him and the boys.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of being disregarded
and even disrespected and used as a workhorse because I was a girl.
I didn’t want to dredge up those old feelings of being unimportant.
I didn’t want to again go through the pain of being dismissed by him.
Fearing that his negative energies would bully and oppress
my natural lightness as it had in the past,
I resisted putting him in a circle of light.
It was far easier to dismiss him than take the risk and invite him in.
I knew I couldn’t change him. And I couldn’t change me.
For decades, running away had been my only salvation.
But Janet lovingly insisted.
“Will you allow me to help direct you to give yourself some self-compassion?”
And she held the space energetically for me so I felt safe.
So I imagined creating a circle of divine, golden light.
Envisioning him in that circle kept me safe from him, and him safe from me.
Then Janet dug deep with the compassion phrases, saying that as long as I keep him on the hook, there is lots of stuff I don’t have to face yet.
Oh my! My mind indexed on her comment as we progressed with the session.
Could this hook of old resentment be the truth I was side-stepping in all these years of holistic healing work? Could clearing these old resentments be the key to opening the door I’d been knocking on for so long? The key to stepping into a new way of being? A key to authentic wholeness? Is THIS why I still have nagging health and wealth issues?
Every so often, she told me to check into the circle and look at my father,
to see what he was doing.
I would prefer not to look, but I glanced over at the circle of light.
He was just standing there, alone.
I could see his confusion.
He didn’t know what he was doing in the circle.
There was nothing in the circle but him, alone.
Nothing to do.
No work.
No weeds to pull.
Nothing to be acted upon.
Nothing to be controlled or manipulated.
No act of service to perform.
Looking around wondering what to do.
“So sorry if you stop hating your dad, you’ll be at loose ends.
So sorry you won’t know what to do with yourself.”
Janet continued with the phrases, mirroring my thoughts with words.
Yes, I was triggered in the process.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, my face crinkled up as tears rolled down my face.
Yes, I blew my nose.
Compassion prevailed.
Janet continued to hold the space for me.
We checked into the circle again.
My father was flying a kite, totally unaware of my fears.
More digging deep.
More releasing of old hurts.
“I just want this all to be done!”
“It will be done when you choose that it is done.
When you have released all the resentments,
and your soul is clear, then it is done.
The timing is all up to you.”
We checked into the circle again.
Empty. He was gone.
Gone to fly a kite with his brother.
And that was it.
Easy peasy.
I didn’t die by encircling him in Divine Light.
I acknowledged my fears and resentments,
releasing them through the power of compassion,
Then I had another thought, which brought up another fear.
I have spent decades motivated by these fears
of not measuring up, of not being enough,
of not being worthy of mention or attention… or of love…
of having to prove that girls are just as valuable as boys…
And now that scarcity motivation is gone,
now that I have cleared these resentments, who am I?
What am I? What can I do? How do I be me?
“So sorry you don’t know who you are.”
“So sorry you don’t know how to be the new you.”
In compassion for my plight, Janet put on her Theta Healing hat
and connected with Divine Source on my behalf.
With my permission, she asked that the old contract be marked complete
on the genetic, core and soul levels, releasing of the obligation to re-pattern the lesson,
to release everyone in the world from showing up to re-teach me that lesson…
Forgiveness was expressed.
Permissions for fun and joy and love were given…
She requested and witnessed The Great Creator of All Things
lifting from me the fear and the pain,
and giving me the Creator’s perspective of how
to be in joy and choose from love,
and to know my purpose again…
Teaching me that when I am being on purpose I feel light.
Teaching me that if something feels heavy, to not choose it.
Choose to let go of all I am not.
If it is not light it is a lie.
To feel the joy in my human body…
If I have something in my heart… to let it out.
To become a conscious co-creator…
To follow my heart and express what is in it…
Whatever is the fullest expression of my soul’s light…
Whatever gives me joy and expresses my joy…
To be in my own creation, not attempting to fit myself into someone else’s expectation…
To not attempt to fill my perception of someone else’s expectation…
To not be “hell bent” on proving them right…
When I am doing the best I can in my sweet zone…
When I am doing what brings my heart joy…
That is when I am on purpose…
Happiness is wanting what I get.
Success is not what I expected.
I am allowed to be surprised by life and love and joy.
How much joy can I stand?
How much happiness can I handle?
How much money can I receive?
How many lives can I change?
Ask for that feeling. How it shows up is God’s business.
Then you will want to HAVE a life.
The more you live in the feeling you want,
The more you ramp up how much you can receive.
We always get what we want.
We don’t always know why we want it.
Often we create either too much of what we don’t want,
Or not enough of what we do want.
But now, having released all the old fears and resentments,
I can now have what I want.
I can now create what I want.
I don’t have to die to achieve it.
I can be loved, even cherished.
I can care without criticism.
I can love others unconditionally.
I can express myself without fear.
I can love without judgment.
I can live an inspired life.
I can feel aligned with The Great Creator.
I can have what I want in a healthy body.
I can contribute in meaningful ways.
I can go where I want to go.
I can live how I want to live.
Not the session I expected.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It is done, It is done, It is done.
by Jo Lyn Cornelsen | Dec 13, 2017 | Authentic Wholeness, Holistic Healing, Miracles Witnessed, SoulTalk, Spirituality |
Releasing Old Resentments
I experienced a “storm” of physical pain a few days ago…
I worked on clearing as much trapped emotional energy as I could, and awoke this morning knowing someone else I needed to forgive…for their actions of harshness and disrespect toward me about 11 years ago…
which caused me excessive emotional, financial and professional pain and distress…
This was someone I trusted by virtue of a position of church authority and their medical profession…
Someone who sought me out for my professional knowledge and skills,
Who would not allow his wife to provide the needed care for his father
who was suffering from severe dementia…
(urine soaked socks in the pantry, aggravated Sundowners syndrome, packing his belonging to leave every evening, wandering away and more…)
But this man (my client’s son) thought nothing of imposing it all upon me,
as if he was doing me a favor by allowing me to slave 24/7
and expecting cut rate pricing by virtue of our church association.
Long story short…
I “made it through that rain”…
It was an experience of compassion for the client,
and of setting boundaries with someone in “authority”
(even though I was scared)
Of standing up for myself and insisting on payment…
but I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth –
great disillusionment and loss of respect for this person,
who was so greatly revered in his church position.
This occurred so long ago I thought I had cleared it.
I haven’t thought of it in years, as both they and we have moved,
and this person is no longer in my local church community.
So I thought it was gone and forgotten…
Yet apparently, resentment remained stuck in my energy field.
And this morning,
my soul revealed it to me.
I must forgive.
Yes.
I don’t want to forgive.
I know.
He hurt me.
I know.
He shouldn’t have done that.
I know.
He scared me.
I know.
He was in the wrong.
I know.
He disrespected me.
I know.
He treated me abominably.
I know.
He treated me like shit.
I know.
He respected and protected his wife’s sensibilities,
but did not respect me.
I know.
He did not value my professional skills.
I know.
He was horrible to me.
I know.
I no longer respect him.
I know.
Do I have to respect him?
No.
Have I forgiven him?
No.
Is there any reason why should I forgive him?
For yourself.
For your own healing.
But I don’t know how to do it.
When I think of him I get a taste of bitter gall in my throat.
I want to vomit.
I know.
Will I feel better if I forgive him and let go of the resentments?
Yes.
Has this hidden, forgotten resentment been blocking my healing?
Yes
Can I let it go now?
Yes.
I’m not sure how…
Do I let it go just like I let go of any other old blocked emotion?
Yes…..
Ok… here goes…
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
It is done, it is done, it is done.
Interestingly –
I got up, dressed, walked to the car, drove to the gym, did an hour of water aerobics, came home safely without struggle..
and all without pain.
If forgiveness works this well…
I shall be searching my soul for more that needs to be forgiven.
Thank you for witnessing my blessing…
Next Day’s Morning Meditation:
Shards and Shrouds…
Releasing Old Resentments yesterday opened a floodgate for more. This morning, did some basic full body presence breathing and a body scan. There were a few gentle pressures – back of my neck and top of my shoulders, and my feet and calves – that needed underlying ancestral emotions released (1 generation back – my dear sweet mother)…
Easily released by identifying and releasing the underlying trapped emotion of ancestral confusion…. many instances….
Thank you…
Breathing…
There is something else…
I intuitively scanned with my golden energy sieve and pulled out some sharp energy shards.
Do I need to know what these are?
No. Just rejoice that they are gone.
Thank you.
Is it time to get up now?
No
Great – I get to relax more and breathe.
Yes.
Moments later:
Is there more resentment buried inside me somewhere that needs to be released?
Yes
Is there an underlying reason for it?
Yes
Do I need to know more about it?
No
How do I release it? Like I release other trapped emotions?
No
Do I polish it away with Compassion?
No
Do I just reach in and pull it out of me?
Yes
And give it to God?
Yes
In my mind’s eye, I imagined reaching my left hand into my soul heart space, grabbing hold of the energy of resentment, and pulling out of me…
It came out as a diaphanous grayish orb …
about 10 inches in diameter…
I opened my hand and it sat there a while on my palm….
Then it changed, shifting into a life sized, human body shape of translucent energy –
I had pulled out a whole energy shroud…
as if the resentment had resided inside me as an cognizant being… a separate entity of its own….
And then it was gone.
No pain.
Just a lightness of spirit.
Did it go to you, God?
Yes.
Is there more?
No
Thank you.
Breathing…
May I receive more of your golden divine light now?
Yes
Breathing in the light.
Now… is it time to get up?
Yes.
Thank you, thank you, thank you….
Dear Soul Friends…
For letting me share my meditations with you.
<3
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